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There Goes the Neighborhood...

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What Really Happen......

Okay this what happened
Rihanna starts turning the radio down
(she wanted to tell chris something)

Chris was like “RiHANNA” ?? “Don’t stop the music” !

Rihanna: chris I have to tell you something so just “shutup and drive” !

Chris : “hold up” “Excuse me miss” Who you talkin to ??

Rihanna : CHRiS !!!! I have a secret to tell you

Chris : “yo” what’s up

Rihanna: I’ve been “unfaithful” to you

Chris : well I guess its a good time to “say goodbye”

Rihanna : but I thought “we ride”

Chris : hell naw!!! I don’t ride “with you”
I mean we had this “young love” that I thought was “picture perfect” and you ruined it !

Rihanna : well I’m sorry to say this but I gave you herpes also

Chris stops the car
WHAT THE FU*K BiT*H you betta “run it” no more “kiss kiss” for you !

Rihanna screams out
“S.O.S” please someone help me
She grabs her cell phone

Chris “Gimme that” CELL PHONE !

Rihanna : no I’m finna “break it off” in here !
(Rihanna slaps and bites chris)

(Chris thinking to himself)
Somebody “help me” cause I don’t put my hands on women but she asking for a “poppin”

Rihanna still trying to hit chris
You didn’t think I was a bad girl but that’s right I’m a good girl gone bad !!!!!!

Chris trying to restrain himself from hitting her
Bad Girl ?? Trick plz I would do some “damage” to “you” imma “take you down” and get yo ass deported back to barbados !

Rihanna saw a cup in the cup holder and all of a sudden started “breakin dishes” on top of chris’s head

Suddenly chris couldn’t take it anymore cause (Rihanna was provoking him)
he finds himself chocking her til the point where she has “no air” then he hits her with an “umbrella” and is kicking her ass from “wall to wall” !

True Love Fights......

Hmmm…it’s Saturday morning…I’ve just woken up and I’m waiting to release the gospel that was revealed to me this week. Sorry to sound so churchy, cuz I haven’t been to church in years but that’s what it feels like …a revelation…an epiphany of sorts…(I feel like that word is over used now).

I wanted to share what my boy told me this week which spurred a change in my attitude towards everything around me…I’ve been trying to stay away from the whole X topic but, I guess my friends are really concerned about me so they keep bringing it up. However, this week, my boy’s advice really put the whole situation in prospective for me. To tell you the truth I was thinking about it a lil' more than I would like to admit.

We all make mistakes but what really proves someone’s love for you is what they do after those mistakes. What is really making this break up, a break up is what’s going on now…or actually what’s not going on now.

I guess I should start from the beginning:

So my X joined a “special site” after we broke up (you know which site I’m talking about). I never saw his actual page, but apparently he deleted the account a few days after he created it…his reason for deletion as the site usually asks you why you are leaving, was; that he was not ready to move on and that he loved me and hoped that I could forgive him one of these days (not an exact quote)...so I saw this and I thought to myself…ok fine…you regret that we broke up but where is the action in your words…where is the heart-felt apology to the person you've wronged? Have you made things rigth with them. I understand that some people are shy, especially considering that I was unbelievable angry after everything went down, but when someone is truly sorry for their actions, they let go of themselves and do whatever it takes to prove that their actions are consistent with their words. As men we need to have courage to stand up to what we say.

(Disclaimer: he did "officially" apologize to me a few days after we broke up, but to be honest, in my sole opinion, the apology at the time felt very "cookie cutter". I didn't get the impression that he was feeling the pain I was feeling...not sure if was truly from his heart. I may be wrong about this and I understand that he has a competely different way of expressing himself but, that's jsut how I felt.)

For instance, I remember when I was in wrong in the relationship...even though it took me a min. to come around.I did everything in my power to make amends…I humbled myself and submitted to whatever he wanted…because in relationship you have to be selfless…as a matter of fact, I put myself out there and went up to his school, walked around the parking lot for an hour looking for his car…risking looking like some sort or rapist…with flowers in hand, to get on my knees and apologize. I was willing to do what I needed to do in order to show him that I was serious and I was going to do what it took to prove that. And guess what, because I swallowed my pride and put myself last, I got him back.

But the reality is...he has not done that…it’s really not a matter of whether he thinks he’ll get me back or not..it’s a matter of trying: it’s trying to fix what you’ve mad wrong, that, I haven’t seen…I’m not going to sit here and express how hurt I was from what happened. I'm in no way asking or for that matter of fact, demanding that he feel bad about this. I'm one for honesty, people should act how they truly feel. He has NO obligation to me and neither do I want him to. But what’s happening now is giving me the message that maybe he isn’t willing to be selfless.

When we do wrong, we as good people should make this wrong right…if not for the relationship but for our own well-being and as matter because we care about the person.

From what little he has mentioned since the break up, apparently he thinks that he can’t interact with me because it will be to hurtful. I understand the basis of this, but interacting with me would by no meansbe easy considering what we had...there's no doubt about that. But when you are wrong…you take whatever you can get and you hope the person comes around. Without the ability to put the relationship before yourself…ultimately it is going to fail.

This entry is not to bash anyone. It’s only based on advice that my friends who have been in relationships lasting many years have given me. In the event that he reads this, I am by no means attempting to attack him. I have no need to attack anyone and believe he has every rigth to be do as he pleases. So I'm hoping that it is not read in the wrong way.

I am willing to accept the fact that nothing may come out of this two year relationship…but I’ll be able to remain secure in the fact that I did everything right to make our ending as painless as possible.

The the entire point of this entry can be summed up in the following quote:

TRUE LOVE FIGHTS FOR WHAT THEY WANT NO MATTER THE ODDS OF THE BATTLE…

A Greatful and Grown Up Special K....

Mr. K...All Spilt Out...

Pen to paper….Mr. K has really been thinking this week, I have been thinking about two things….I’ve been thinking about my future and who I am. I’ve been thinking about maturity and a lot of stuff a 22 year old shouldn’t be thinking…and it’s a little unsettling, but most people I’ve talk to think its a really good thing to be mature at this age.

I am not sure if it’s quiet normal for someone like me…but, I’ve been thinking about a family, a relationship and a career. I just believe in that. I’ve been a big romantic; relationship oriented since I was little…I was sitting in my friends car and I was thinking...I was quiet…and he asked me why...I told him exactly that; I was thinking..the song..”Angel of Mine” was playing…a song I haven’t heard for sometime...it reminded me of when I was little...I grew up with my mum and spent a lot of time at home alone while she was working and all I would have to keep me company on a Saturday night was my radio...these older songs meant a lot to me..they had meaning, they had sole…It reminded me of what I wanted, it reminded me that I’m the same person today that I was 10 years ago at 12.

It reminded me that I was made to care, to love and protect someone…the love and cherish them…to grow old with them and get married and raise children and meet there parents…and them to meet mine...to become a permanent fixture in their lives…to bring children into this world and raise them...show them love and affection...teach them to see right from wrong…help them become there own adults…educated in life, love and in academics…to see them bear children…to become men and women..world leaders, teachers, counselors….artists...

I’m weird, I want the life with the husband, the 2 kids, the SUV (maybe a motorbike as well) and a white picket fence (scap that, I want a brownstone in Brooklyn Heights, forget the picket fence). I’m not living in a dream world, I believe it's a possibility...

I’m going to be open to love again…

The second topic…I don’t know if it is too soon to say anything…cuz I’m still trying to recover…something small happened this week which I wanted to address…its obvious that my two year relationship ended…and by no means am I happy about that. At the time it ended, I was finally starting to see the beginnings of the vision I explained above…but I feel as though...I’m still not ready to talk about it because I need to be neutral…

I want to discuss friendships and relationships…our relationship ended but I never wanted to loose our friendship…when u are that involved with someone..you share your entire life with them...I have built a lot with this person and don’t want the friendship to end…the conversations are my memoirs from the past…they are the things which endeared us to be who we were in each others lives...I feel as though I must be careful with tense here…The things which I will remember are the normal times times…the times I encouraged you…the times when a very simple hug helped me to feel like a man. The times when we talked about your family your friends and your past..the things that meant the most. The times when we discussed your future...and we decided that we wanted to have children...I still want the best for you. The times when we discussed my career and what I wanted...and what I had in store...the times when I expressed how much I love my mum and my niece and realized that I live for them. So don’t ever attempt to take away our friendship as you have…please remember that our relationship and friendship are not synonymous..

Is it True........

Growing up Special K is no joke. This week has been the most emotionally trying week I’ve had since, well a long time. Everything else in my life is fine except my relationship. I’m going through another break up and listening to Keyshia Cole every morning is the only thing I can do because that’s the only way I can feel as though someone else can feel what I’m feeling.

I’m in a small trance, only 1 step away from reality, like I’m on the outside looking at the show that’s being filmed in my room.

Not Believing...Not Seeing…Not Hearing….

I feel a little empty, a little unsure. I feel like everything I say becomes a metaphor. One scene after the next takes place. Things I never saw happening are happening now.

I must go through my heart ache because, its just that, my heart ache, no one else’s.

I feel my mind thinking thoughts that I know I shouldn’t feel, euphoria which hides and masks what I don’t believe is happening.

That’s what it feels like a movie.

Listening to:

True – Brandy (reminds me of the importance of truth in or lives)
Heaven Sent – Keyshia Cole (reminds me of my heaven (when he was around))
I’m Okay – Chrisette Michele (lets me know that love it self is not over)

I Miss You and I Will Be Back For You....(sad face)