Not Ready to Make Nice....

Well it's been while since I've written a blog..but for good reason. I've really been pushing hard to get my feet on the ground. At this critical time, 4 to 5 months before graduation, I really want to be proud of myself when I graduate..that native drive that I have is kicking in and I'm going at the job market pretty hard. What I'm lacking though, is experience. I've been applying to insurance companies which seem to be working for me. I have really 2 really crucial interviews with Allstate and AIG on Tues. I'm really hoping they go well but I'm very skeptical about the AIG opportunity. Their hiring process seems to be a lot more extensive than Allstate's and truth be told, I'm scared that the fact that I haven't graduated as yet will greatly limit my chances of getting hired, particularly at AIG. I really, really, really want to work at Allstate. AIG starts at 30,000 per year. Allstate starts a bit higher and it's like 5-10 mins. away from where I live. If I land this job then that means a car. It means savings and it means a lot of anxiety relief for the future. There is so much I plan to do. I am going put my everything into those interviews but I'm operating with a serious handicap.

Second matter is my trip back to Trinidad. I lost my last passport and I need to make a trip home to get some new documents so I can get my license and see about some other matters. Christmas is also becoming a priority because I still haven't completed my family's Christmas shopping and I wont get paid till the 21st! So that means enduring the Christmas rush. This is the first year I'm actually able to provide for other poeople. I never really paid attention to Christmas since I've been on my own because I can never really afford it. Been talking to my sister back home. She is not doing to well at all but my greater concern is my niece who is not doing well in her school. I place so much emphasis on school work because I really want her to have a future. She is possibly the closest thing I will have to a daughter. They are my main concern back home. Besides that my mum is moving. The situation where she is living is not very good at all and we are making preparations to move. At 49 years old she is still renting and the land lord wannts to remove her from the property. Now my older brother who was never any help lost his job and he wont be finding one anytime soon because he has no skill.

In addition where she is moving to is a relatively rural area. I'm not happy about that either. Now I have a lot on my plate but I'll get through it. What's life with out challenges? One other observations this week: I hate customer service!!! Well first of all I started this temporary job this week in an attempt to make some extra cash for Christmas. The job consist of calling up financial advisement companies and asking them questions about their bond investment process. Now this bitch hard the nerve to imply that I was illiterate. I would like to go in to detail about what occurred but I don't have the time right now. The bad thing is I actually wrote her number down so I call her after work and curse her out. I haven't done it as yet but it's on my list of things to do. The crazy thing is I was thinking about mapquesting the business, marching down there myself and giving her a piece of my mind. That's step two. So lets say I will never work in customer service ever because I would end up in prison.

Well there is one other thing that occurred this week. That, I will keep as personal as possible but my best friends know what the deal is. If you want an idea listen to the play list I put up and if you know me well enough, you'll figure out what went down. Bet you didn't know I listened to country music right. Country music is white people's R&B..lol...Here's hoping for a good future. Merry Christmas if I don't post again until after then.

A Special K who wants your love.

Not Your Avergae Thanks Giving...

Now this post is inspired by some one's actual Thanksgiving day post ...I feel as though his post brought a dose of much needed reality to people that don't really have an idea about real gratefulness is about.

I arrived home this Thanksgiving at about 4:00pm. No one was home except for the kids (my cousins)...between the ages of 5 and 14. There was some food but it had all been wrapped away and placed in the axillary refrigerator in the basement. I went down stairs as instructed and served myself up some cold left overs which I put in the microwave and heated up. No turkey, sweet potato pie or collard greens I might add...I guess we skipped it this year. My aunt and oldest cousin (25) had gone to work because they both work in the health care industry and their slave master told them they had to work today. The only adult home was my debilitating Grandmother who was fast asleep in bed. So after eating I went upstairs to computer to catch up on some online stuff since my computer at school had crashed earlier that week.

I began to think, I wasn't particularly disappointed by the lack of festivities occurring at my house. I am accustomed to it..my family is not one of those lovey-dovey families were we have mandatory family time, call each other everyday and end each conversation with the all to misused phrase "I love you" (notice I said misused not over-used, there is a difference). This holiday was no different than any other. Usually I don't really look forward to Christmas or family holidays like that because as I grew up and realised that those days are like any other and are catered to two groups: Kids and the Retail Industry.

Now on to my main point: THANKFULNESS which is associate dearly with GRATEFULNESS. Now we sit around a table once or twice a year and are asked one by one we what we are thankful for and being honest with ourselves some of us think long and hard and hope that we are not the first one to be summoned because quiet frankly, most of us can't think up a white lie quickly enough that wont seem cliche or shady.

This is life people, it's that life that we as westerners live. We who have the most privilege in the world...sit and stuff ourselves with turkey on Thanksgiving day and give ourselves presents and Xmas day because we are so "GRATEFUL" for what we have...Isn't that ironic: each Holiday that we are suppose to be thanking someone else, we give our selves a pat on the back and presents i.e. Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter? We give ourselves more because we are so grateful for what we have been given. Isn't that a little counterproductive and hypocritical to you? I think we all know that we go through certain experiences for a reason.

I grew up in a poor family. My mother did whatever she had to do so she could give as close to a normal life as possible. I am forever GRATEFUL for that. I'm grateful because I didn't grow up having everything. I'm GRATEFUL because I had the opportunity to see the difference between the poor and the rich(most of us are rich whether we think so or not). I'm grateful because I don't know how the fuck I got this far but I did. I'm grateful for the fact that I can even have a relationship when so many thousand of others have to hide themselves because of fear of being killed and battered and shaming their family to the point that there mother commits suicide all int the name of love. America, think about what you have and be GRATEFUL!!! Give the someone who doesn't have as much as you then say Marry Christmas or Happy Thanksgiving. Tired of words without meaning.

Next time you decide to curse out some sales person about your ipod touch not working or you say something demeaning to the McDonald's lady at the drive through window who can hardly speech English but is stilling working every hour she can to make a penny, or threaten the guy at the dry cleaners that through away your overpriced D&G sun glass that you left in you jacket, THINK, am I REALLY thankful or is it a bunch of fake bullshit I use to make me feel a little bit better about myself.

- A very Special K who is hoping this post makes you just a little more thankful.

Enjoy your Holiday

OMG!!!!

Aight aight...haven't been around to give ya'll a post. I actually had soooo much damn material that I didn't know what to do with it. I was planning a very nice article about this kid at my school and his experience coming out to his African family and his mother and sister disowning him. It would have been soooo damn interesting and educational for our community. It was crazy how his shyt went down. His sister wrote him this crazy-ass letter stating how she never had a brother and she was going to kill him with her own hands. She claimed that he forgot his culture and was evil and she ould never ever forgive him for what he had done till the day she dies. It wasn't a nice experience at all for the young man but it was certainly a reality check for those of us that have the privilege of being honest with our family members (not including myself). What brought a great extent of gravity to the situation was thatthis kid is a Freshman and 16 at that!!!!!!

Needless t say they kid is out at school (didn't take much to tell) and someone who aparently dislikes him facebooked his sister stating that he was he alledged lover. Damn, that's why I don't let people know my business cuz NIGGAZ S GRIMMY!!. Man I was plannnin gthat posts for so long I was going to post the letter that she wrote and everytign (with permission of course). I mean it wasn't so much the drama associated that really brought up my desire to wite abut it but every now and then i allows us to appreciate how much freedim gay/bi people haev in America. Sometimes we really take it for granted.He apparently lost the letter. If he ever finds it I'll right a full post on that.

Anyway, want to know what I've been doing for so long? Here's the list:

- Had my midterm exam

- Spent time with my prince (spoiled prince, but yet still a prince (wink, wink):-)

- Planned an event ( I plan events at school)

- Did (and currently doing research for my undergraduate thesis on No-Fault Insurance Laws in NY State and the benefit the insurance companies rather than Medical Practitioners (Sounds boring but its really not!!!) - If you are a law student hit me up!!!!

- Worked at my regular campus job

- Worked at my internship 2 days a week (was able to settle 3 cases (-:)

- Attended various meetings, committees, etc.

- Did flyer work (hobby)

- Went to Philly last weekend for my other job (Upward Bound). Good thing is hotel, meals and expenses were all paid for and I still got paid!!!! (-:

- Studying for my upcoming exam

- Went home twice to visit family

- Browsing apartments

- Planning my trip back to Trini, hopefully everything will go well (leaving on Christmas Day)

- Spent some more time with my prince

- Looked around for his X-mas gift

- Computer gave out on me just wont turn on!!!!

- Went to see my best friend (subject of the last article)..see below for update.

- Got tested - I'm CLEAN (thank God!!!)

- Looking forward to catching up on work during Thanksgiving


Update: Since the last post I went to see my best friend. The situation has gotten a bit better. He's taken a lot of responsibility upon his shoulders. He is currently staying at shelter for displaced teens. It's not the best but it's clean, safe and constant. He applied to a NY Sate program called Job-core. So he will be sending him off to up-state NY for a few months in order to train him for a job and help to put his life together. They also assist with job-placement and finding affordable housing. He's really eliminated a lot of distracting elements from his life. His phonebook went from 250 to 30 contacts and he broke up with his dude (or rather the other way around). He got a job at a restaurant until he goes upstate. Still hasn't spoke with his Mum or sister. The situation is pretty messed up because he's not a dull person, he speaks 6 languages!!!!

Here are some pix I took Last night.

In Friendship we Trust...

Well, I promised I would continue where I left off last time. I know a lot of people have been asking me for details about the last post but I would like to keep my relationship as private as possible out of respect for my boi and out of maturity. Now, I would like to go on to the second topic at hand: best friends. Now I'm going to relate a situation that I experienced and I'm going to try to be as impartial and remove my feeling from this as much as possible.
Now, I'm going through this whole phase where I'm attempting to save a lot as I'm preparing to leave college and I would like make a good start on my own. Now, my best friend of about 3.5 years who is also the first gay person I ever met in this country needed some help with his bills. I'm not in a position to help someone out but I was this time so I did. I loaned him some money. I made the sacrifice to lend him the money contingent that he would pay me back the following Friday. Now I didn't even suggest this date, he did. I called him that Friday when it was due and he said he was at his b/f's house. So I forget about it and I allow him some time. Here's where the problem occurs. I call homeboi a few times the following week. Not because I really needed the money but I'm trying to get as financially stable as possible for the future. When I have to step out in the real world and I have to pay my own bills I want to have something to fall back on. However, homeboi basically avoids my calls and doesn't respond to my IMs, signs on then quickly signs off, etc. So I realize that he's avoiding because we talk at least once per week. I decided to call him on my work phone number (which he doesn't have). Bingo! Homeboi answers the phone.

Me: How you been?
Best F.: I'm ok.
Me: What are you doin, what have you been up to?
Best F.: I'm chilling here at my friends house.
Me; Hey listen do you think you'll be able to pay be back today?
Best: F.: Yea sure.
Me: We'll do you want to meet after work at McDonald's?
Best F.: Yea I can do that.
Me: Call me when you get there.
Best F.: Ok.

We'll needless to say, homeboi stood me up and would not answer his phone after I called several times. This was the second time in about 1 week he did this. After this he still would not answer his phone and now doesn't even answer from my work phone. By then I had confirmed all my suspicions. My thing is, I'm not a materialistic person so I didn't care about the money. However, he really disappointed me by lying to me several times and showed a lot of disrespect by standing me up and letting me waste my time more than once. If I was really super broke I wouldn't not have been able to get get to work or pay my phone bill or anything and usually this is the case. However, I felt really hurt to know that he didn't respect me enough to tell me the truth. Honestly all I wanted was: a simple "I don't have to money right now but I'll pay you back as soon as I can."
Later on I sent him a text message explaining to him about how disappointed and upset I was that he was dishonest with me. He apologized and I found out that he was really having some personal and financial problems and needed to take care of them. Now I have no problem. I came from a poor family and I'm fighting tooth and nail to make my way up, I know what it's like to struggle and I've been on my own since the beginning. My best friend being dishonest with me didn't not help. I keep certain people by me because I can trust them, he is one. I still love him very much and I want him to get on his life together very much. Just wish he had been real with me.

My Friends have no idea how dearly I love them,
A Forgiving Special K

Just Like Me...

So this one is entitled just like me. I know I left you all for a while and I didn't seem like I was going to return. However, I returned for the true, loyal friends and readership that I have accumulated and are still hear. I still feel very grateful for everyone in my life and I see a very happy future ahead for me. So I've been spending a lot of time with my boi and things have been going well. Now I go into relationships expecting to approach some difficult question or time. I know everyone is not perfect including myself. However, this weekend I found out something about my boi that I really wasn't expecting. I mean he really didn't seem like the type so he caught me really off-guard. I was doing some work on his computer and I came across some documents that really hit me hard. It wasn't really what was on there that got to me but the extent of it. It really made me think whether I really knew this person or not. I'm usually a good judge or character and often I know things before people tell me but I didn't see this one coming. When I saw this I didn't know how to react it mostly brought shock and a question as to why it was there. The first thing we seem to do is judge the person but i forced myself to find to best way out. It just goes to show that as soon as you got things all figured out life shows that you can be extremely clueless. I mean it really wasn't as serious as the last long-term who turned out to be a one-hit pornstar wonder (if there is such a thing) but I ended up with him because he told me on our second date and didn't lie like so many others would have. It seems that people have been asking me to question my perception of them a lot lately. This is the second incident where a close person did something that was unexpected of them but I'll leave that for another post which I will be writing soon. So why did I name this post "Just Like Me?". That's because I've always tried to find someone who was just like me but that never seems to come through 100%.
So what do you do when the one you love shows you a different side of them that you didn't expect? Do you accept them or change them?

It feels good to be back,
Special K

Sittin' on Top of the World..

Ever have that feeling where you don't really want to do the old things you used to do and you no longer have to depend on certain things to carry you through your day? Well that's how I feel. Happiness in so much more. I'm at the secure point in my life where I really feel fulfilled, stable and prepared for the future. I'm focused and confident in the future and ready to forge ahead. Decisions seem more well thought out and well placed. A place in life where you feel like your beginning to make use of your manhood. MAN IT FEELS GOOD TO GROW. I feel the culmination of you developing into your manhood is really finding the one that is going to be by your side, your personal sidekick, agent, partner-in-crime (and other things, lol), and the part of your life you really and truly live for. Real men know that money, material goods and popularity don't mean anything. A place of reverence and exceptional maturity, a feeling of giving of ones self and allowing yourself to create happiness for others. A place of security and beautiful humanity. I feel like I been blessed with the qualities I need. We are social by nature for a reason; it's imperative for our survival.

Now on to other matters. It's amazing that some people today still find themselves doing exactly what they shouldn't be doing in order to achieve the goals that they find themselves unable to achieve on their own. Now, when you're happy this is the time when people who are unhappy with their own lives (and in this case, admittedly so) try to bring you down. 95% of the time these people are cowards. Don't give me wrong, it's not that way with the majority of people. It's reserved to a small pathetic few. Those people that sit an examine their life and realise, "Hey, I'm not happy, theirs no one (worth it) who loves me, I don't have any real friends and I'll never be a good person, so you know what; I'll have to make the people who I most want to be like just as miserable as me. This way I can get them to give me unnecessary attention." Fortunately, this never works on genuine people. But here's to those who really never know what they are doing but think that they can break something that is pretty much unbreakable; trying to make other people's life worse will never equal your life getting better. I mean come on, you really gotta try harder (or maybe smarter) than that. Hater's never win cause we're still on top of the world!!!!!

A Very Excited, Confident & Grateful,
Special K

Like a Virgin Touched for the Very First Time....

Well its been 1 year, 7 months, and 15 days since the last time I did the dirty deed. Well you guys might be wondering why I'm putting all my business out there...the truth is, I'm proud of it. I'm happy I did it and I'm happy about where it happened, how it happened and who it happened with. Growing up and learning about myself has shown me that I don't need to experience things in order to learn them. I can learn from the experiences of others. Waiting also gave me a better understanding of myself and for some reason now I understand why things didn't happen even when I thought they would. Things didn't always go as planned. They happen when they needed to happen and with whom they are suppose to happen with. If it happened when I wanted it to then it would not have been nearly as special as this. Ain't nothing better than knowing that the other person is putting in as much as you are and that moment means as much to them as it does to you. Of course there weren't any fireworks nor did the right song come on at exactly the right moment but those things are not what make that moment of last innocence special. You only know if it was right when your done, the testosterone has settled and you're laying there and they are asleep but your still awake thinking about it. GOD damn it..that shyt was good!!! What a way to put me back in the game. I'm not gonna say it's like riding a bike cuz it just not that simple. Half of these niggaz don't even have the slightest idea of how to put it in. This time it felt new again: like a virgin, touched for the very first time. I almost couldn't remember what it was like but apparently I haven't lost my touch at all....that type of shyt that make you wanna smoke something after (that is if I did smoke)...

Here's to the simple but valuable pleasures in life,

A very Satisfied and Content,

Special K