Weak for once....

OK…..I’m sorry for the nature of my last few blogs…they have been for the most part pretty depressing. I don’t know what’s going on but something’s not right with me. The Special K of a few months ago has become a very down and emotion ridden person. I haven’t been like this since January of 2006, a time when I had lost my job and I didn’t know how the hell I was gonna eat for the next 4 months. And considering it was of the beginning of the semester I had no way to buy books or travel if I needed to. The thing is I’m no stranger to difficult times, so I suck it up and dealt with it. But the events of the past few months have taken a toll on me. It’s not explainable because right now…I’m breaking down to proportions I really haven’t seen myself at in a long time.

The thing is, I’m success driven but for the past few months I’ve only seen failure. Maybe that’s just me seeing things like I’d like to see them but as discouraging as this sounds I’m sitting in my room today a lil sick but thinking about the future. I’m scared and tired, and worried. I didn’t do anything yesterday just laid in bed until 4:00pm. It’s not like me at all! I didn’t get up and cook even though I was starving, I didn’t have a taste for anything. So I asked my roommate to make me a sandwich. Thank God he did. I don’t know what’s going on but it’s not good. It seems that I will now be forfeiting a job that I worked extremely hard to get. After beating out 10 or so candidates I was one of 2 to be selected for an extremely high paying job. One that I needed and I got high recommendations for. There was also the possibility in the future or starting my own branch. But now I’m back to square one and the will and ability to regroup isn’t really there. I’m having selfish moment indeed. One of those “Mary” moments that no one else can really understand. I’m hoping I don’t hit depression but it seems to be going in that direction. In truth I wish to have my old confidant self back. I’m hurting deeply and I don’t know why. I haven’t seen this side of me in years.

So this time I’m not keeping my emotions out of my writing. I’m letting it go because; I’ve been keeping it to myself for far too long. It’s hitting me now but it’s been in my heart for a long time but never expressed. Sometimes when you push and push whatever is in front of you pushes back and I’m feeling the brunt of it now. But for real today it’s letting the truth out. It’s the truth because I don’t know what’s going on with me and I’m weak for once. I can’t always be strong. I can’t always hide my feelings. They are there but I hide them because, what else can I do. It’s not fair to burden others with your problems. I haven’t even really left my room for the past few days. Kind of scared to face what’s out there. It might seem like something simple but for me right now, I’m breaking down…I’m not the same Special k. I can’t control these feelings but I don’t how long how long it will before they go away.

Can I Handle It?

I've been sitting hear and I have been thinking....it's a few days before my world gets kicked into turbo gear and the time that I have now I'll probably never see again...I laid in bed until 2:00 pm today and went to bed after 6: 00 am this morning. But at the same time I not fooling myself: I know it's the calm before the storm. This blog post was suppose to be about late new years resolutions, but I can't deny the feeling that's currently in my heart. This feeling is with beyond a doubt "fear". It's that not in a grown man's stomach, the racing pulse..a sense of uneasiness and hopelessness that occurs, its undeniable...everyman has his moment when something stomps on his manhood: it's fear. I'm not talking about a fear of physical proportions. A fear of self..a fear of future.. a fear of the COULD BEs.

The Story: I'm sat at the computer last night working on my schedule for this upcoming semester. My new 10 hr. per day job starts on Monday along with the reopening of school and the beginning of classes. I'm taking a full 18 credit load and writing my 40 page thesis on no-fault car insurance in the state of New York (how boring right?). I'm in the works of acquiring a car for the first time (hopefully by this Sunday). In addition this new job requires a bit of driving each day. Mind you I have never driven on a high way before but I will need to everyday in order to get back and forth to work. I have no other option really. So between now and Sunday I have to master it. Another source of my fear is the pressure of my performance at work. This job is a field I have never ventured into. it requires constant high energy. My mainstay is law but this job is more along the side of sales and marketing, although for those who are good with people their is the potential to make a phenomenal amount of money. The company is pretty huge but at the same time very young. This is good because the number of avenues for advancement is CRAZY. I am doing a program where I may be promoted to management (which is where I want to be) in about 6 -8 months. Their is also potential to start my own branch of the company. I haven't really thought about that yet but I know that it's where I want to be. One thing's for sure..it's going to take a lot out of me.

Second area of fear is my relationship. I'M SCARED. I'm scared because I want it to work but I haven't figured out the master plan as yet. I don't want it to take a backseat. I'm not scared for him though, but mostly for myself. I fear that this job will make it hard on us. Communication will be sacrificed in order to provide a good future for the both of us. I'm not ready to risk that yet. I know he's what I want and need. That's just the thing, he's what I NEED. I need his attention and I may not have it when I want it for the next 4 months. I haven't figured out yet when we will see each other. It looks like the most time we'll have for each other may be a potentially rushed one night out of the week (with out saying I'll be getting off of work late and and he'll be rushing off to work the next morning). Coming from the heart, if it's one thing I feel a a great weakness for in a relationship, it's that person's attention. I need it to survive. It pains me to know that the 2 hour conversations on the phone at night may not be a possibility. Plain talk: it's probably going to be the hardest months of my college career thus far. I haven't even taken into account study time. I'll be handling another 400 level science class again this spring and still trying to produce exceptional work on my senior thesis and juggling some other bullshit electives.

Well sighting all of this. The blog is bound to suffer more than it's been suffering within the past few months. You can also forget about my frat. or social life. It will be non-existent.

Well... I'll see you guys at the plantation fields bright and early..till then I'll continue humming my Negro spiritual...

Freedom is only a few footsteps away...


A very fearful Special K

The Sandwich Effect....

Ok, this is my first blog entry of the new year and it's also my 1 year blogging anniversary, yay!!!!! I guess I can milk that little commemoration for all its worth...I'm happy that I'm starting the new year, I'm happy that this is the year that I graduate form college which is just a small part of my life..I'm happy that I'm embarking on a new part of my life.. college really changes you and prepares you for the real world. It was definitely a valuable experience for me..to be exact it about $80,000 worth of valuable. However thanks to God and his goodness I only paid about $5,000 - $6,000. I looking to make some money now. Talking about money let me move on to the main topic of this post: My job interview experience. If you read my last entry you would remember that I left of with the anticipation of two interviews, one with AIG in Manhattan and one with Allstate. Well I had some surprising results.

I went to the AIG interview first, I had to interview with the HR repp, and two managers, I got through the 2 first interviews very well. Finally I had to face the last manager. The managers were lawyers that ran the claims department at AIG. The guy reviewed my resume, asked what activities I did at school, he asked about my experience working at a law firm and what exactly I did there. He also asked about my presidential scholarship and my GPA. So your boy went straight into interview mode and started blabbing out all my experience, my involvement on campus, emphasizing leadership and critical thinking abilities and how I was so interested in the insurance industry. So I am feeling confident., I've connected with interviewer and I have made it seem like I'm the ideal candidate. Then it comes, he opens his mouth and says those gruesome words, "I'm afraid you are OVERQUALIFIED". My heart deflated. So the first thing I think is "act dumb". Talk about putting your foot in your mouth; I had to now make myself seem less smart in order to land the job. The irony was confounding. I quickly tried to dave myself but it was o no avail. The manager explained to me that he thought I as way too smart for the be and that the usually hired candidates with "some college" for this job. The job has a very monotonous one and there would be no room for elevation. He also wanted me to apply to another depart of AIG because he said my experience and ability would be more useful there. So I left empty handed.

NOw on to Allstate, this one was more directly my field so I was double sure I would have a repeat of the AIG incident. So I arrive at Allstate very happy and confident , after all I really rather this job than the AIG job. his interview required that I be tested through their testing system. I sat through the grueling our long test and waited another half hour to get the results. I PASSED!!! step one accomplished. NOw for the actual interview. The lady who was black (sorry I had to add that because come on, I have to be honest, it made me feel more at ease) looked at my resume, then with a little smile and surprise said you are very well qualified for this position but I only just noticed that you are still in school." FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's what I said in the back of my head. She continued to explain that she wanted me to work there but needed to speak with some other managers about the situation. This would take a little while since everyone was on vacation. I also asked if I could take a lower position for the time being and move up once I graduated. he said she would look into it. I could tell she was being sincere. I'm going to give her a call to see how that is coming along later on this week.

I am a bit perturbed by these occurrence, I was having such and the then everything just came crashing down at the end of it. Like some evil spirit had to find me and fuck things over. It was so ironical, because I hadn't had such a bad week in months....that week I lost the possibility of having temporary winter break job, got my hours cut short by another job I was doing to make some extra cash for xmas, found out that I was wasn't going to get paid before xmas, so it would have mattered anyway, god my credit card screwed up (still trying to work that out). I also spent most of the week sobbing and studying for finals. Went through the madness at Toy R' Us in Time Square and still didn't get what I wanted for my niece and missed my flight to go home on christmas day which cut my vacation in half since I had to postpone for 2 days later. Then they had the nerve to attempt to charge me $600 on top of my 450 that I paid for my ticket. I DID NOT PAY THAT SHIT, I complained and complained like a typical angry black man until they overrode the system and printed my boarding passes.

So I'm over-qualified for AIG and under-qualified for Allstate.. hence the sandwich effect. Hopefully this year will bring a change in my recent luck. Happy New Year everyone, stay strong and focused.

Not Ready to Make Nice....

Well it's been while since I've written a blog..but for good reason. I've really been pushing hard to get my feet on the ground. At this critical time, 4 to 5 months before graduation, I really want to be proud of myself when I graduate..that native drive that I have is kicking in and I'm going at the job market pretty hard. What I'm lacking though, is experience. I've been applying to insurance companies which seem to be working for me. I have really 2 really crucial interviews with Allstate and AIG on Tues. I'm really hoping they go well but I'm very skeptical about the AIG opportunity. Their hiring process seems to be a lot more extensive than Allstate's and truth be told, I'm scared that the fact that I haven't graduated as yet will greatly limit my chances of getting hired, particularly at AIG. I really, really, really want to work at Allstate. AIG starts at 30,000 per year. Allstate starts a bit higher and it's like 5-10 mins. away from where I live. If I land this job then that means a car. It means savings and it means a lot of anxiety relief for the future. There is so much I plan to do. I am going put my everything into those interviews but I'm operating with a serious handicap.

Second matter is my trip back to Trinidad. I lost my last passport and I need to make a trip home to get some new documents so I can get my license and see about some other matters. Christmas is also becoming a priority because I still haven't completed my family's Christmas shopping and I wont get paid till the 21st! So that means enduring the Christmas rush. This is the first year I'm actually able to provide for other poeople. I never really paid attention to Christmas since I've been on my own because I can never really afford it. Been talking to my sister back home. She is not doing to well at all but my greater concern is my niece who is not doing well in her school. I place so much emphasis on school work because I really want her to have a future. She is possibly the closest thing I will have to a daughter. They are my main concern back home. Besides that my mum is moving. The situation where she is living is not very good at all and we are making preparations to move. At 49 years old she is still renting and the land lord wannts to remove her from the property. Now my older brother who was never any help lost his job and he wont be finding one anytime soon because he has no skill.

In addition where she is moving to is a relatively rural area. I'm not happy about that either. Now I have a lot on my plate but I'll get through it. What's life with out challenges? One other observations this week: I hate customer service!!! Well first of all I started this temporary job this week in an attempt to make some extra cash for Christmas. The job consist of calling up financial advisement companies and asking them questions about their bond investment process. Now this bitch hard the nerve to imply that I was illiterate. I would like to go in to detail about what occurred but I don't have the time right now. The bad thing is I actually wrote her number down so I call her after work and curse her out. I haven't done it as yet but it's on my list of things to do. The crazy thing is I was thinking about mapquesting the business, marching down there myself and giving her a piece of my mind. That's step two. So lets say I will never work in customer service ever because I would end up in prison.

Well there is one other thing that occurred this week. That, I will keep as personal as possible but my best friends know what the deal is. If you want an idea listen to the play list I put up and if you know me well enough, you'll figure out what went down. Bet you didn't know I listened to country music right. Country music is white people's R&B..lol...Here's hoping for a good future. Merry Christmas if I don't post again until after then.

A Special K who wants your love.

Not Your Avergae Thanks Giving...

Now this post is inspired by some one's actual Thanksgiving day post ...I feel as though his post brought a dose of much needed reality to people that don't really have an idea about real gratefulness is about.

I arrived home this Thanksgiving at about 4:00pm. No one was home except for the kids (my cousins)...between the ages of 5 and 14. There was some food but it had all been wrapped away and placed in the axillary refrigerator in the basement. I went down stairs as instructed and served myself up some cold left overs which I put in the microwave and heated up. No turkey, sweet potato pie or collard greens I might add...I guess we skipped it this year. My aunt and oldest cousin (25) had gone to work because they both work in the health care industry and their slave master told them they had to work today. The only adult home was my debilitating Grandmother who was fast asleep in bed. So after eating I went upstairs to computer to catch up on some online stuff since my computer at school had crashed earlier that week.

I began to think, I wasn't particularly disappointed by the lack of festivities occurring at my house. I am accustomed to it..my family is not one of those lovey-dovey families were we have mandatory family time, call each other everyday and end each conversation with the all to misused phrase "I love you" (notice I said misused not over-used, there is a difference). This holiday was no different than any other. Usually I don't really look forward to Christmas or family holidays like that because as I grew up and realised that those days are like any other and are catered to two groups: Kids and the Retail Industry.

Now on to my main point: THANKFULNESS which is associate dearly with GRATEFULNESS. Now we sit around a table once or twice a year and are asked one by one we what we are thankful for and being honest with ourselves some of us think long and hard and hope that we are not the first one to be summoned because quiet frankly, most of us can't think up a white lie quickly enough that wont seem cliche or shady.

This is life people, it's that life that we as westerners live. We who have the most privilege in the world...sit and stuff ourselves with turkey on Thanksgiving day and give ourselves presents and Xmas day because we are so "GRATEFUL" for what we have...Isn't that ironic: each Holiday that we are suppose to be thanking someone else, we give our selves a pat on the back and presents i.e. Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter? We give ourselves more because we are so grateful for what we have been given. Isn't that a little counterproductive and hypocritical to you? I think we all know that we go through certain experiences for a reason.

I grew up in a poor family. My mother did whatever she had to do so she could give as close to a normal life as possible. I am forever GRATEFUL for that. I'm grateful because I didn't grow up having everything. I'm GRATEFUL because I had the opportunity to see the difference between the poor and the rich(most of us are rich whether we think so or not). I'm grateful because I don't know how the fuck I got this far but I did. I'm grateful for the fact that I can even have a relationship when so many thousand of others have to hide themselves because of fear of being killed and battered and shaming their family to the point that there mother commits suicide all int the name of love. America, think about what you have and be GRATEFUL!!! Give the someone who doesn't have as much as you then say Marry Christmas or Happy Thanksgiving. Tired of words without meaning.

Next time you decide to curse out some sales person about your ipod touch not working or you say something demeaning to the McDonald's lady at the drive through window who can hardly speech English but is stilling working every hour she can to make a penny, or threaten the guy at the dry cleaners that through away your overpriced D&G sun glass that you left in you jacket, THINK, am I REALLY thankful or is it a bunch of fake bullshit I use to make me feel a little bit better about myself.

- A very Special K who is hoping this post makes you just a little more thankful.

Enjoy your Holiday

OMG!!!!

Aight aight...haven't been around to give ya'll a post. I actually had soooo much damn material that I didn't know what to do with it. I was planning a very nice article about this kid at my school and his experience coming out to his African family and his mother and sister disowning him. It would have been soooo damn interesting and educational for our community. It was crazy how his shyt went down. His sister wrote him this crazy-ass letter stating how she never had a brother and she was going to kill him with her own hands. She claimed that he forgot his culture and was evil and she ould never ever forgive him for what he had done till the day she dies. It wasn't a nice experience at all for the young man but it was certainly a reality check for those of us that have the privilege of being honest with our family members (not including myself). What brought a great extent of gravity to the situation was thatthis kid is a Freshman and 16 at that!!!!!!

Needless t say they kid is out at school (didn't take much to tell) and someone who aparently dislikes him facebooked his sister stating that he was he alledged lover. Damn, that's why I don't let people know my business cuz NIGGAZ S GRIMMY!!. Man I was plannnin gthat posts for so long I was going to post the letter that she wrote and everytign (with permission of course). I mean it wasn't so much the drama associated that really brought up my desire to wite abut it but every now and then i allows us to appreciate how much freedim gay/bi people haev in America. Sometimes we really take it for granted.He apparently lost the letter. If he ever finds it I'll right a full post on that.

Anyway, want to know what I've been doing for so long? Here's the list:

- Had my midterm exam

- Spent time with my prince (spoiled prince, but yet still a prince (wink, wink):-)

- Planned an event ( I plan events at school)

- Did (and currently doing research for my undergraduate thesis on No-Fault Insurance Laws in NY State and the benefit the insurance companies rather than Medical Practitioners (Sounds boring but its really not!!!) - If you are a law student hit me up!!!!

- Worked at my regular campus job

- Worked at my internship 2 days a week (was able to settle 3 cases (-:)

- Attended various meetings, committees, etc.

- Did flyer work (hobby)

- Went to Philly last weekend for my other job (Upward Bound). Good thing is hotel, meals and expenses were all paid for and I still got paid!!!! (-:

- Studying for my upcoming exam

- Went home twice to visit family

- Browsing apartments

- Planning my trip back to Trini, hopefully everything will go well (leaving on Christmas Day)

- Spent some more time with my prince

- Looked around for his X-mas gift

- Computer gave out on me just wont turn on!!!!

- Went to see my best friend (subject of the last article)..see below for update.

- Got tested - I'm CLEAN (thank God!!!)

- Looking forward to catching up on work during Thanksgiving


Update: Since the last post I went to see my best friend. The situation has gotten a bit better. He's taken a lot of responsibility upon his shoulders. He is currently staying at shelter for displaced teens. It's not the best but it's clean, safe and constant. He applied to a NY Sate program called Job-core. So he will be sending him off to up-state NY for a few months in order to train him for a job and help to put his life together. They also assist with job-placement and finding affordable housing. He's really eliminated a lot of distracting elements from his life. His phonebook went from 250 to 30 contacts and he broke up with his dude (or rather the other way around). He got a job at a restaurant until he goes upstate. Still hasn't spoke with his Mum or sister. The situation is pretty messed up because he's not a dull person, he speaks 6 languages!!!!

Here are some pix I took Last night.

In Friendship we Trust...

Well, I promised I would continue where I left off last time. I know a lot of people have been asking me for details about the last post but I would like to keep my relationship as private as possible out of respect for my boi and out of maturity. Now, I would like to go on to the second topic at hand: best friends. Now I'm going to relate a situation that I experienced and I'm going to try to be as impartial and remove my feeling from this as much as possible.
Now, I'm going through this whole phase where I'm attempting to save a lot as I'm preparing to leave college and I would like make a good start on my own. Now, my best friend of about 3.5 years who is also the first gay person I ever met in this country needed some help with his bills. I'm not in a position to help someone out but I was this time so I did. I loaned him some money. I made the sacrifice to lend him the money contingent that he would pay me back the following Friday. Now I didn't even suggest this date, he did. I called him that Friday when it was due and he said he was at his b/f's house. So I forget about it and I allow him some time. Here's where the problem occurs. I call homeboi a few times the following week. Not because I really needed the money but I'm trying to get as financially stable as possible for the future. When I have to step out in the real world and I have to pay my own bills I want to have something to fall back on. However, homeboi basically avoids my calls and doesn't respond to my IMs, signs on then quickly signs off, etc. So I realize that he's avoiding because we talk at least once per week. I decided to call him on my work phone number (which he doesn't have). Bingo! Homeboi answers the phone.

Me: How you been?
Best F.: I'm ok.
Me: What are you doin, what have you been up to?
Best F.: I'm chilling here at my friends house.
Me; Hey listen do you think you'll be able to pay be back today?
Best: F.: Yea sure.
Me: We'll do you want to meet after work at McDonald's?
Best F.: Yea I can do that.
Me: Call me when you get there.
Best F.: Ok.

We'll needless to say, homeboi stood me up and would not answer his phone after I called several times. This was the second time in about 1 week he did this. After this he still would not answer his phone and now doesn't even answer from my work phone. By then I had confirmed all my suspicions. My thing is, I'm not a materialistic person so I didn't care about the money. However, he really disappointed me by lying to me several times and showed a lot of disrespect by standing me up and letting me waste my time more than once. If I was really super broke I wouldn't not have been able to get get to work or pay my phone bill or anything and usually this is the case. However, I felt really hurt to know that he didn't respect me enough to tell me the truth. Honestly all I wanted was: a simple "I don't have to money right now but I'll pay you back as soon as I can."
Later on I sent him a text message explaining to him about how disappointed and upset I was that he was dishonest with me. He apologized and I found out that he was really having some personal and financial problems and needed to take care of them. Now I have no problem. I came from a poor family and I'm fighting tooth and nail to make my way up, I know what it's like to struggle and I've been on my own since the beginning. My best friend being dishonest with me didn't not help. I keep certain people by me because I can trust them, he is one. I still love him very much and I want him to get on his life together very much. Just wish he had been real with me.

My Friends have no idea how dearly I love them,
A Forgiving Special K