It is Not Good For Man to Be Alone..

My place of refuge.

I am sitting here thinking about the future. About what the future holds for me. At this point it is uncertain, but while that remains the prevailing factor for most aspects of my life, it doesn't bother me as much for every aspect except this one: I'm single. At one point in time I wasn't. In that time I grew into this little place that said I didn't have to worry about this anymore, at least I had that part of my life down and that really meant a lot of relief for me. I didn't have to worry about the most critical thing in a person's life which is love. But now that element is lost and I have lost my security again. I have lost the pillar, the stable point of reference which I pretty much based everything on. The thing is it took so long to find in the first place. It's not the search that's the most trying part, but that fact that it may take forever, I can't rush into things, I can' t make decisions that will lead to unhappiness in the long run. I don't want the drama of the "break-up and make-up". I just want piece and stability. A reference point. Maybe it's this desire that drives my leniency towards relationships. The thing with me is that I wont just take anyone. Everyone can't satisfy my needs for intelligent conversation. Not everyone is nice, not everyone is calm and drama free. Not everyone is yet mature and not everyone is searching for, or willing to give what I'm offering. I don't want to be in relationship in which certain elements are lacking. It's doom to failure. I can't sit here and create what I want, it has to come naturally and with out forced effort. For me this may be a long time coming. A long time of loneliness. Being alone now means even more than it did when I was in college. Being alone in college meant I still have my friends/frat around. Now, being alone really means being alone. I don't want to sit in my apt and answer the four walls (though they maybe the nicest 750 dollar walls that I have ever seen, lol) for the rest of my life. I don't want to be unhappy and I don't want to share my life with myself. I want the company of someone else and a relationship and all that goes along with it. It's the simple things at this point in time that count. For me that simple thing is sharing my life and growing with someone else. This has and will make me happy, at least I know that much.

Like the bible says, It is not good for the man to be alone.... (that's why he made other men)

In truth & in love,

A sincere Special K

My Staff and My Rock

Now, in life we need certain people to help us go on. When I first came to this country...I didn't have any friends and didn't know anyone...I had no shoulder to lean on...no one to listen to my problems, because of that I depended on potential relationships and at one point in time my first b/f. That had a big impact on me when the relationship was over. I was distraught because I was losing a good friend and lover, and what the break up meant was complete lonliness for me. Things got so bad that I went to see a psychologist more than once to manage the pain. I was severely depressed and would find myself crying uncontrollably in the middle of class and I'd have to put my head down to avoid anyone seeing. I also didn't eat for 2 weeks, I felt I was screaming on the inside and questioned my self, my life and what was; who I was. I felt insecure because I had done something that wasn't me, something that just didn't make sense.

But since then things have changed. Over time I have grown into serious relationships with two invaluable people in my life: Karim and Alex. I now have my rock and my staff. This posts comes at a time when they have secured me to the ground when irremovable things like gravity seem to be escaping me. My two best friends who have proven their sincerity and care for me beyond a doubt. They have been my guidance in times of darkness. Right now the light has gone and I can't find my way. A time when trust has been lost and I'm looking for that icon in life which will represent stability and security. It's funny when you feel comforatble telling another guy "I love you" when there are no romantic feelings involved; it's genuine and heartfelt. It isa  pure understand between to people (two brothers) that have developed to rival the bonds on family. They have supported me 100% through out my previously relationship and have reassured me when control seemed to escape me; times when I have no idea what to do and I felt weak. They vicariously go through what I go through, and I go through what they go through. It's a bond; a deep brotherhood. They are my rock and my staff. 

I see different elements of myself in both of them. In Karim I see my heart, my hopelessly romantic nature, a dedication to love and principle, I see his purity and I see myself. We both have high standards which other people may never understand. We share very similar feelings about love and relationships--both of us being extremley relationship oriented. Karim and I are not citizens and sometimes relating to people on that level has been tough because they will never understand my drive and ambition and what it is to be disappointed. But I understood his struggle and he understood mine. It's  a stuggle for life and freedom. This is the guy that calls me from France at least once a week just ask me how my relationship is going and if I'm ok. This person means the world to me and he might as well be my brother. 

Now Alex, is the most caring person I've probably ever met. Dependable, trustworthy  and determined to please everyone (well people that he likes anyway). I see myself in him in his masculinity and frank way we think about things at times. He helps me see what I can't see when my mind is clouded; he is my reason. He really appeals to my masculine nature the most. When I chill with him or talk to him I feel like I'm talking to one of my frat brothers but with him I don't have to hide who I am. If I cried a little, he wouldn't think less of me. But Alex has an underlying nature that is unparalleled by anyone else I've ever met. The funny thing is he's never been in a real relationship before but, for him I'm sure that when it happens it will be real. It will be what he's been waiting for, for the past few year. He is so good natured it's ridiculous. He cares so much it's amazing. So Alex I love you like a brother. Be there for me and I'l always be there for you.

- A very Special K

- Next post will be about this new apt. 

So this is to my two best friends: my rock and my staff, Alex and Karim. I love you guys dearly. 

The Stroll

This entry I'm writing from a the Starbucks in Kew Gardens after a long walk from Forrest hills. So here goes, the important things that are going on in my life right now. The things that are overwelming me at the moment. Some times it's good just to let it out and not handle it anymore. To not deal with everything, and for a second cry on some one's shoulder even when that shoulder happens to be your own. I was walking along Queens Blvd. from Commerce Bank in Forrest Hills (Queens) to the Starbucks on the Union Turnpike stop near the E train stop. This neighborhood represents so much for me at this point in time. I just came back from Jamaica (Queens) where I bought my first piece of furniture ever. A cheap $200 mattress and box spring. At this point in time as I move into my new apartment, that's all I can afford after paying the $750 deposit and half months rent of $400. This bittersweet moment represents the beginning of a lifetime. The beginning of a man. This, only one day after graduation from Ramapo College of NJ during a washed out commencement ceremony. That Friday will go down in history as one of the most critical moments in my life. It was on this Friday that that my life began and ended at the same time. I'm now a man whether self proclaimed or thrown into it. Everything truly depends on me now. The move was the beginning however, I would now like to address the end.

So the moment of truth. As of yesterday my partner is now faced with a decision, a decision that is crucial to our relationship and any future we may have. Last night after a week of thought and investigation, I confronted my partner with some photos I found in his e-mail account. I had seen the photos a week before. At the time I felt a mixture of shock and heartbrokeness and as with anyone in that situation, the question of "why?" arises. See, these wont any old photos, they were nude photos exchanged between and two other guys. Not to mention the caption "4 your eyes only.." and the actually message which said "Dare, I haven't forgot bout you kid... trust that, you still on my mind....I will get in touch with you soon. btw... I hope these keep u busy until i get to you. (referring to the nude pics). Again it was something I was not expecting, but I had seen small signs beforehand which lead to me checking his e-mail. After viewing the photos and reading the e-mails I decided to really look at things before I made any judgements, further investigation would either confirm and debunk my suspicions. Surely enough H had been talking to this guy for some time now, at least a month and a half. Even then, over the week, I kept on prompting him to tell me the truth because in my book that makes a big difference. I rather you be man and tell me to my face than hide it to the point that you seem extremely shady. An entire week of probing, and only denials. So when I finally confronted him he was speechless and seemed very disturbed. I gave him chance to explain himself, his excuses were that 1) he was bored and 2) the guy had sent him questionable picks and he in turn sent him questionable pics. Those excuses make as much sense as fish flying and birds swimming. But I'm not hear to question any ones motives. That's the answer he gave me and that's what I'm sticking with. He said that the guy was just a friend and that he has no interest in the guy. As to the reason why they were communicating: he said that his best friends, who were apparently were so fond of me at one time were now encouraging him to cheat on me. Mind you I explained fully in the beginning of the relationship how i felt about cheating. There is so much I can write about what happened that night. But one thing is for sure, it really hurt...it really hurt. Everything that happened from him constantly lying, to me running out that night in the rain after him to get him to talk to me about what happened. Its hard to believe after 11 months of a relationship where he claims that he loves me with all his heart and that I am perfect for him, and not to mention I'm also his first love and longest relationship, pulls something like this. This incident has left us bitter and dry. It has taken our relationship to such challenging levels and complicated things so greatly. It just shouldn't have happened. It so amazing how one incident can crumble what we seemly value so dearly. 11 months gone because of the interference of someone else. To booth, every answer he gave me was sooo weak, so unbelievably weak. It goes to show that some people will never be satisfied in life. They have everything but they still keep the door open for more with out the consideration of others that have shown that they truly love them. Infidelity is one of the worse sins that anyone can commit. No one will ever understand unless they experience what I am feeling right now. See I've been on both sides, the cheater and now the cheated, the difference was I recognized my wrong because I had loved the person and I took the time to understand what they were going through. The hurt, the questions, the constantly increasing anger. Emotions which no man should ever have to feel. People really don't know what the consequences of their actions are, especially when those actions betrays the trust that has been built between people for such an entire year and longer if you really count how long we've been speaking to each other. So I decided to give him an ultimatum: a last test.

The ultimatum. After the emotions were over, I sat down and poured all my feeling whether anger-filled or otherwise, onto lengthy single spaced 2 and half page letter. I examined our friendship and the situation at hand. This is how I will know his sincerity: If he acknowledges the fact that what he did was completely wrong and that there is way that it can be justified and whether he is willing to make the changes I presented for our relationship, if its worth that much to him as he claims, he will. If he doesn't I'll know what I need to know about our relationship and that will answer alot of my questions. Here are the options (the Blue pill and Red pill and spoofs off of the firs matrix movie).
The Blue Pill – This is to remove me from your life, to end our relationship and look to other possibilities. This choice means that you are free to date, to send whatever you would like to whom ever you like. But both our friendship and relationship will be gone. You will have all your friends and satisfy what they have wanted for the past few months – me to be gone. Essentially, Freedom without Love.

The Red Pill – This decision is the harder one. In this decision you choose to stay with the understanding that you will remove everything that is questionable from your life. It means erasing numbers, screen names, e-mail address and blocking who ever is a threat to us. It means for me that I will never have to check you e-mail or phone (which I HATE doing). I will never have to worry about where you are or whom you are with. However, it also means that you will keep all elements of our relationship away from your “friends” who are trying so desperately to break us apart (why, I don’t know). You can keep your friends but there will be an understanding that I am not a subject for debate, they MUST respect our relationship. After all, what type of friend encourages you to be unfaithful which will ultimately lead you to being the exact same messed up position as that they are currently in. I am will refrain from judging them, but obviously they have already judged me. Thirdly, (optional), I should have access to your accounts, I don’t care what you do on these sites but you have shown that you can be unfaithful. I shouldn't’t have to check your stuff, you are not a kid nor do I want one. It’s only fair that you have all my passwords as well. If we so trust each other, then we should have no problem with sharing this type of information. This is about TRUST not about CONTROL.


Time of Truth, and the most important decision in your life, choose carefully