Weak for once....

OK…..I’m sorry for the nature of my last few blogs…they have been for the most part pretty depressing. I don’t know what’s going on but something’s not right with me. The Special K of a few months ago has become a very down and emotion ridden person. I haven’t been like this since January of 2006, a time when I had lost my job and I didn’t know how the hell I was gonna eat for the next 4 months. And considering it was of the beginning of the semester I had no way to buy books or travel if I needed to. The thing is I’m no stranger to difficult times, so I suck it up and dealt with it. But the events of the past few months have taken a toll on me. It’s not explainable because right now…I’m breaking down to proportions I really haven’t seen myself at in a long time.

The thing is, I’m success driven but for the past few months I’ve only seen failure. Maybe that’s just me seeing things like I’d like to see them but as discouraging as this sounds I’m sitting in my room today a lil sick but thinking about the future. I’m scared and tired, and worried. I didn’t do anything yesterday just laid in bed until 4:00pm. It’s not like me at all! I didn’t get up and cook even though I was starving, I didn’t have a taste for anything. So I asked my roommate to make me a sandwich. Thank God he did. I don’t know what’s going on but it’s not good. It seems that I will now be forfeiting a job that I worked extremely hard to get. After beating out 10 or so candidates I was one of 2 to be selected for an extremely high paying job. One that I needed and I got high recommendations for. There was also the possibility in the future or starting my own branch. But now I’m back to square one and the will and ability to regroup isn’t really there. I’m having selfish moment indeed. One of those “Mary” moments that no one else can really understand. I’m hoping I don’t hit depression but it seems to be going in that direction. In truth I wish to have my old confidant self back. I’m hurting deeply and I don’t know why. I haven’t seen this side of me in years.

So this time I’m not keeping my emotions out of my writing. I’m letting it go because; I’ve been keeping it to myself for far too long. It’s hitting me now but it’s been in my heart for a long time but never expressed. Sometimes when you push and push whatever is in front of you pushes back and I’m feeling the brunt of it now. But for real today it’s letting the truth out. It’s the truth because I don’t know what’s going on with me and I’m weak for once. I can’t always be strong. I can’t always hide my feelings. They are there but I hide them because, what else can I do. It’s not fair to burden others with your problems. I haven’t even really left my room for the past few days. Kind of scared to face what’s out there. It might seem like something simple but for me right now, I’m breaking down…I’m not the same Special k. I can’t control these feelings but I don’t how long how long it will before they go away.

Can I Handle It?

I've been sitting hear and I have been thinking....it's a few days before my world gets kicked into turbo gear and the time that I have now I'll probably never see again...I laid in bed until 2:00 pm today and went to bed after 6: 00 am this morning. But at the same time I not fooling myself: I know it's the calm before the storm. This blog post was suppose to be about late new years resolutions, but I can't deny the feeling that's currently in my heart. This feeling is with beyond a doubt "fear". It's that not in a grown man's stomach, the racing pulse..a sense of uneasiness and hopelessness that occurs, its undeniable...everyman has his moment when something stomps on his manhood: it's fear. I'm not talking about a fear of physical proportions. A fear of self..a fear of future.. a fear of the COULD BEs.

The Story: I'm sat at the computer last night working on my schedule for this upcoming semester. My new 10 hr. per day job starts on Monday along with the reopening of school and the beginning of classes. I'm taking a full 18 credit load and writing my 40 page thesis on no-fault car insurance in the state of New York (how boring right?). I'm in the works of acquiring a car for the first time (hopefully by this Sunday). In addition this new job requires a bit of driving each day. Mind you I have never driven on a high way before but I will need to everyday in order to get back and forth to work. I have no other option really. So between now and Sunday I have to master it. Another source of my fear is the pressure of my performance at work. This job is a field I have never ventured into. it requires constant high energy. My mainstay is law but this job is more along the side of sales and marketing, although for those who are good with people their is the potential to make a phenomenal amount of money. The company is pretty huge but at the same time very young. This is good because the number of avenues for advancement is CRAZY. I am doing a program where I may be promoted to management (which is where I want to be) in about 6 -8 months. Their is also potential to start my own branch of the company. I haven't really thought about that yet but I know that it's where I want to be. One thing's for sure..it's going to take a lot out of me.

Second area of fear is my relationship. I'M SCARED. I'm scared because I want it to work but I haven't figured out the master plan as yet. I don't want it to take a backseat. I'm not scared for him though, but mostly for myself. I fear that this job will make it hard on us. Communication will be sacrificed in order to provide a good future for the both of us. I'm not ready to risk that yet. I know he's what I want and need. That's just the thing, he's what I NEED. I need his attention and I may not have it when I want it for the next 4 months. I haven't figured out yet when we will see each other. It looks like the most time we'll have for each other may be a potentially rushed one night out of the week (with out saying I'll be getting off of work late and and he'll be rushing off to work the next morning). Coming from the heart, if it's one thing I feel a a great weakness for in a relationship, it's that person's attention. I need it to survive. It pains me to know that the 2 hour conversations on the phone at night may not be a possibility. Plain talk: it's probably going to be the hardest months of my college career thus far. I haven't even taken into account study time. I'll be handling another 400 level science class again this spring and still trying to produce exceptional work on my senior thesis and juggling some other bullshit electives.

Well sighting all of this. The blog is bound to suffer more than it's been suffering within the past few months. You can also forget about my frat. or social life. It will be non-existent.

Well... I'll see you guys at the plantation fields bright and early..till then I'll continue humming my Negro spiritual...

Freedom is only a few footsteps away...


A very fearful Special K

The Sandwich Effect....

Ok, this is my first blog entry of the new year and it's also my 1 year blogging anniversary, yay!!!!! I guess I can milk that little commemoration for all its worth...I'm happy that I'm starting the new year, I'm happy that this is the year that I graduate form college which is just a small part of my life..I'm happy that I'm embarking on a new part of my life.. college really changes you and prepares you for the real world. It was definitely a valuable experience for me..to be exact it about $80,000 worth of valuable. However thanks to God and his goodness I only paid about $5,000 - $6,000. I looking to make some money now. Talking about money let me move on to the main topic of this post: My job interview experience. If you read my last entry you would remember that I left of with the anticipation of two interviews, one with AIG in Manhattan and one with Allstate. Well I had some surprising results.

I went to the AIG interview first, I had to interview with the HR repp, and two managers, I got through the 2 first interviews very well. Finally I had to face the last manager. The managers were lawyers that ran the claims department at AIG. The guy reviewed my resume, asked what activities I did at school, he asked about my experience working at a law firm and what exactly I did there. He also asked about my presidential scholarship and my GPA. So your boy went straight into interview mode and started blabbing out all my experience, my involvement on campus, emphasizing leadership and critical thinking abilities and how I was so interested in the insurance industry. So I am feeling confident., I've connected with interviewer and I have made it seem like I'm the ideal candidate. Then it comes, he opens his mouth and says those gruesome words, "I'm afraid you are OVERQUALIFIED". My heart deflated. So the first thing I think is "act dumb". Talk about putting your foot in your mouth; I had to now make myself seem less smart in order to land the job. The irony was confounding. I quickly tried to dave myself but it was o no avail. The manager explained to me that he thought I as way too smart for the be and that the usually hired candidates with "some college" for this job. The job has a very monotonous one and there would be no room for elevation. He also wanted me to apply to another depart of AIG because he said my experience and ability would be more useful there. So I left empty handed.

NOw on to Allstate, this one was more directly my field so I was double sure I would have a repeat of the AIG incident. So I arrive at Allstate very happy and confident , after all I really rather this job than the AIG job. his interview required that I be tested through their testing system. I sat through the grueling our long test and waited another half hour to get the results. I PASSED!!! step one accomplished. NOw for the actual interview. The lady who was black (sorry I had to add that because come on, I have to be honest, it made me feel more at ease) looked at my resume, then with a little smile and surprise said you are very well qualified for this position but I only just noticed that you are still in school." FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's what I said in the back of my head. She continued to explain that she wanted me to work there but needed to speak with some other managers about the situation. This would take a little while since everyone was on vacation. I also asked if I could take a lower position for the time being and move up once I graduated. he said she would look into it. I could tell she was being sincere. I'm going to give her a call to see how that is coming along later on this week.

I am a bit perturbed by these occurrence, I was having such and the then everything just came crashing down at the end of it. Like some evil spirit had to find me and fuck things over. It was so ironical, because I hadn't had such a bad week in months....that week I lost the possibility of having temporary winter break job, got my hours cut short by another job I was doing to make some extra cash for xmas, found out that I was wasn't going to get paid before xmas, so it would have mattered anyway, god my credit card screwed up (still trying to work that out). I also spent most of the week sobbing and studying for finals. Went through the madness at Toy R' Us in Time Square and still didn't get what I wanted for my niece and missed my flight to go home on christmas day which cut my vacation in half since I had to postpone for 2 days later. Then they had the nerve to attempt to charge me $600 on top of my 450 that I paid for my ticket. I DID NOT PAY THAT SHIT, I complained and complained like a typical angry black man until they overrode the system and printed my boarding passes.

So I'm over-qualified for AIG and under-qualified for Allstate.. hence the sandwich effect. Hopefully this year will bring a change in my recent luck. Happy New Year everyone, stay strong and focused.