It is Not Good For Man to Be Alone..

My place of refuge.

I am sitting here thinking about the future. About what the future holds for me. At this point it is uncertain, but while that remains the prevailing factor for most aspects of my life, it doesn't bother me as much for every aspect except this one: I'm single. At one point in time I wasn't. In that time I grew into this little place that said I didn't have to worry about this anymore, at least I had that part of my life down and that really meant a lot of relief for me. I didn't have to worry about the most critical thing in a person's life which is love. But now that element is lost and I have lost my security again. I have lost the pillar, the stable point of reference which I pretty much based everything on. The thing is it took so long to find in the first place. It's not the search that's the most trying part, but that fact that it may take forever, I can't rush into things, I can' t make decisions that will lead to unhappiness in the long run. I don't want the drama of the "break-up and make-up". I just want piece and stability. A reference point. Maybe it's this desire that drives my leniency towards relationships. The thing with me is that I wont just take anyone. Everyone can't satisfy my needs for intelligent conversation. Not everyone is nice, not everyone is calm and drama free. Not everyone is yet mature and not everyone is searching for, or willing to give what I'm offering. I don't want to be in relationship in which certain elements are lacking. It's doom to failure. I can't sit here and create what I want, it has to come naturally and with out forced effort. For me this may be a long time coming. A long time of loneliness. Being alone now means even more than it did when I was in college. Being alone in college meant I still have my friends/frat around. Now, being alone really means being alone. I don't want to sit in my apt and answer the four walls (though they maybe the nicest 750 dollar walls that I have ever seen, lol) for the rest of my life. I don't want to be unhappy and I don't want to share my life with myself. I want the company of someone else and a relationship and all that goes along with it. It's the simple things at this point in time that count. For me that simple thing is sharing my life and growing with someone else. This has and will make me happy, at least I know that much.

Like the bible says, It is not good for the man to be alone.... (that's why he made other men)

In truth & in love,

A sincere Special K