The End…The Beginning

So I’ve finally completely closed the last chapter of my life, feels good because I’m letting go. I won’t remain sad about this anymore…so now I’d like to believe we are friends…and for me no animosity exists. I am not angry or blaming myself for the demise and I have let all the guilt go. I had a part to play in it but I can only hold on to that for so long…and for me I have forgiven myself and chosen to take this time to improve myself and not make the same mistake in the future.

Maybe something will come along that will show me something that I’ve never seen before. I’ve learnt from my mistake and feel a bit wiser. So, I guess I’m on my own, but no sadness here. I don’t believe I’m complete ready to date but I will try. There will be no BGC or A4A for me; expecting things to happen on their own.

Although I’ve known this already, I know I’m the type of dude that is really the settle down and just have a stable life style-have a kid or two, type of dude. No drama or mysteries here. And while that reality may not exist for a while, I’m not in any hurry. I don’t feel that urge for physical and mental comfort that some people express form being single. But that’s a healthy feeling for me. I need my independence so when something finally does go down I know it’s not because I’m depending on them for any form of comfort but that they really add to my life in a way that cannot be replicated. That’s how you know when love really exists, when it cannot be replaced with something else.

On another note, I caught up with an old friend today, an old roommie from college. I roomed with him for 3 years, so it was good to hear from him. He is doing ok, broke up with his dude, and having a bit of a job getting a respectable job but I was just really glad to hear from him. On the good side of things, he is an artist and I got to see him perform last week. He is getting better and better and I can really see him on the big stage. A gay rapper/beat maker…this is going to be interesting. We really need innovators like him. He had moved to NC for a while but now he is back in NJ. He is also taking off on a mini tour. So as I get dates and locations I will post them so if you want you can show your support. He is actually going to be touring with some comedians. He is the only rap act but he is actually pretty funny too. I was telling him the other day that can see Kanye using his beats because they are really unique. His beats kinda sound like an American version of M.I.A’s beats—a bit deeper and more masculine.

One good thing..I just realized that I can read blogs at work yay!!! Well most of them, the popular one’s they have managed to block, so I’ll be able to keep a bit more updated. This will help as my reading seems to be just like the economy, in a recession. So expect my comments.

A happy guilt free Special K

DR and.....Breathe

This post is two fold. I was looking at my older posts earlier today and really taking a second look at what I was feeling at each point in time in my life. Fortunately, most of the important points have been chronicled by this blog. Looking back on the situations that have occurred, I can see clearly what I was feeling/thinking at each point in time. When I vent, I am able to go back later on and weigh each side and determine a feasible outcome. It has helped me say things that I couldn't say with verbal expression. It's amazing how you can express clear precise feeling without speaking a word. I guess, a blog is like the poor mans therapy.

Anyways getting to the first topic....

DR, which in this case is Washington Heights, Manhattan is my new home. Nah, I don't live there..I still live in boring old Queens (well at least its clean and safe). It's just that I went up there about a month ago to go shopping because the stuff in Harlem just wasn't cutting it. Their jeans baggy and they don't carry any size lower than L. So I made my way to WH because I know Dominican be wearing them tight-ass jeans and shirt, so I figured I'd fit right in. Well, I feel in love, even though no one spoke English, they have some pretty good clothing at good preces up there. So its now my new shopping spot. So I went back there this weekend to get my hair braided at this hair braiding spot I was eyeing. Long story short, the lady was really nice and only charged me $25 for the hairstyle I got, which I really like (see pix). She actually braided out of a barber shop so I got my shape up there too. The barber spoke no English and the hair braider ended up have to translate for me. But I definitely got the VIP treatment, hot towel and all. I was very satisfied with the job he did.

Anyways second topic...

I guess I'm obliged to do an aftermath post pertaining to the recent ending of one chapter in my life. The thing is, my feelings about this are so complex and I want to do a full entry that will encompass everything I'm feeling at once. I just want to be completely honest with myself about things and also reality. I spoke with both Karim and Alex about this and they are both happy for me but, no one can deny that this is not going to be cut and dry for me. Sometimes I feel as though I wish there was a switch I could use to turn on and turn off what I'm thinking, but God in his infinite wisdom, did not make us that way. I'm sure he did so for a reason but that reason is not obvious to me at the moment. I'm doing well...the tied although not yet down, is slowly receding. I'm regaining what I lost. I feel both happy and sad. One thing is for sure, what ever happened happened because it had to happen. So I have no regrets, but that won't stop my head from spinning....I'm almost scared to thoroughly voice my feeling in entity about this because I'm scared of what I may say both negative and positive.

To be followed up with a real posts once I get my thoughts together....

The Calm Within........

Last night, I had enough. I had enough because, I wanted to him to make a real decision. I want him to confront what he feared to a certain extent. I wanted him to decide on the fate of our future, whether friendship or otherwise. And he did. And a certain sense of pride and happiness in me tells me that I am free. I am free of giving what I didn't have. I'm free of personally sacrificing and giving in the relationship. Because God knows, that I gave a lot, my friends know that I gave my all and that was all I had to give. So be happy for me because today, I'm free and it marks a new beginning where I can allow someone else to have the opportunity to love me.

A Very Free Special K
(-:

Can't Stand the Rain......

I guess you guys seem to get an update only in bad times but, better an update at this time than no update at all right?

 

Well I don’t want to go into details because I feel like the story has been told before so I don’t want to repeat myself or my argument. But I will give a synopsis of what has occurred.

 

A week and half ago, my boy and me had another argument, not to belittle it but, its happened before and obviously things haven’t been as easy to fix as we would have liked it to have been.

 

The time factor has been having its toll on our relationship and we were really beginning to see the impact as the level of motivation in our relationship was dwindling. When we came to this conclusion, we decided to make a conscious effort to make communication a bit more consistent. Since this seemed to be the source of our distance mentally. In my opinion, things were getting better (over a period of months). I may not always say it but I do think his communication habits were getting better over time and I was a getting gradually happier. I would like to say I have been getting better at being more patient (at least in my opinion) and more understanding of his situation. While things weren’t completely perfect, we weren’t at each others throats and at least in my opinion there was more good than bad.

 

So last week happens, I don’t hear anything from him, for two days and I decide to call. Now it is very difficult for me to remain calm when I don’t here from him. Particularly, if I have made an attempt to contact him, (which I did), I tend to get agitated and sound rude over the phone. This usually steams from frustration that he made no attempt to contact me (no text, no missed call). Regardless of the circumstances, my attitude was also exacerbated because I left him voicemail, explaining that I had finally gone permanent at my job (6 moths in the making) and I was so excited at the time that I called in him in the middle of the day from work. I didn’t care that he didn’t answer because he was in class. I don’t even care that he never listened to the voicemail as I found out later on.

 

So I remained patient and waited. I waited for 2 days and then decided to call. So he answers the phone, and it is clear that I am not pleased with the situation. Now I will admit that I had trouble keeping my complete composure (that’s my part of the problem), and he could clearly hear the anger in my voice. Now, there are two things you can do when one person in a relationship is angry. You can also get mad and cause a fight or you can choose to be the calm one and work on the issue and explain your side of the situation.

 

Now in the beginning he tried to explain that he had fallen asleep after the gym the night before. Now I didn’t show any sympathy towards this because we had decided that he would call before he went to the gym since once he gets back, I’m in bed because I have work the next morning. Usually once he does that I don’t have any issues because he at least attempted and sometimes that all that matters and I know time is tight for both of us. He then proceeds to tell me that the next day he had an early shift at work and once he got off of work he went to pick up his best friend and they chilled at his place where they cooked and relaxed for a while. So midnight roles around, no attempt from him to contact me. I always go to sleep at midnight so I decided to call him to see why he didn’t call or text before then.

 

So, basically he gets frustrated after he explains what happened and I don’t seem completely pleased. It’s not that I was not sympathetic to what he was going through but I feel as though he should have simply apologized and tried to do things differently next time. Instead he decided to hang up the phone on me. Well to make this long story shorter, we ended up not talking for a week and a half which made the situation worse. I decided to basically ignore it. He didn’t call or text and I didn’t feel like I was obliged to because he hung up on me.

 

Jumping a week and a half into the future, I read his blog, as I was getting ready to write a break up letter. It turns out he had dropped off his key for my apartment the day before and I didn’t realize it with the growing mold of clothing and paper that is growing on everything in my bedroom. To tell you the truth, I didn’t communicate with him, not because I was being pride full of petty , but because I felt like he disrespected me and I needed to think about respecting myself first in that situation. So on his blog, he explained that he was not happy with the fact that I did not apologize to him.

 

Now I have no problem with apologizing if I did something wrong and it is my understanding that there was something I did wrong according to him. So for that I am sorry. But I feel as though two sides exist to this argument and it is time for us to do what we should have done that night, which was talk about it and learn how to deal with the situation better. Below is our correspondence that will explain our situations better than I can at this time.

 

From Me:

 

 

On Nov 1, 2008, at 12:06 PM, Special K wrote:

 

 

Maybe I should have written this earlier.

 

I just read your blog entry..the funny thing is I haven't been on there in months but the day I decide to go on...it just so happens that you decide to return from your hiatus. First off, I'll like to say this, although alot of anger is being held in my heart because I have chosen not to talk about this with my anyone (including best friends, not even Karim knows). I will try my best not to let it out in this.

 

First off, I didn't call because you hung up on me, you disrespected me when I did not disrespect you, you also hung up after I allowed you to say your piece; when I started talking about my side of things, after I allowed you to say yours. Put yourself in my situation, I'm 22 years old and I'm being hung up on (also in front of Britney) by someone who is suppose to be my equal. I am just as much a man as you are and I've never hung up on you (even when I'm mad I listen to what you have to say whether I agree at the time or not). Its obvious that both of us think that we are write in this situation, that one of us owes the other an apology. Believe it or not its more than "sorry Ian( or sorry Jimil)" for me. It's understanidng that you disrespected me (or I disrepected you) and you did not treat me as your equal. For whatever I am wrong for I don't exactly understand, (and that's not pride) so at this time I can not apologise becuase of lack of understanding. I'm not saying that I am not wrong, I just don't understand what I did wrong in this situation (how can I apologise when you spoke to me like a child an hung up on me?). I will say one thing though...its a quote I found online that expresses how I feel.

 

"If you want to be respected by others the great thing is to respect yourself. Only by that, only by self-respect will you compel others to respect you."

 

This is how I feel, this goes for any friendship or relationship. I will respect myself before anyone/anything else. That translates into, if I  am disrespected I will not continue to encourage disrespect by not showing that person that I will not accept that. If I acted like everything was fine it would have been saying that "this is the best way to deal with issues" and that it is acceptable to treat other like subordinate/children when mad.  My thoughts are not based on pride, its not childish and its not selfish.

 

In the end, I feel this way, circumstances are difficult for you (period) but it doesn't give u the right to ignore me, if you had swallowed your pride and called me back before things got dragged out, our differences would have ended there that night. I know your life and I am mindful of it, sometimes it would not hurt to take serious interest in mine. To ignore me and expect me to demean myself by crawling back to you to apologize for something which I still can't figure out is reprehensible.

 

 

Maybe in the future I will see my wrong in this (and I'm willing to) but you need to see yours as well.

 

- Me

 

His Response:

 

Its funny, because its almost as if you're blaming this on me when clearly you called me with your attitude and spoke to me like i was your child. Lets agree on one thing before i continue to go about my day and you with yours: had you approached me differently, things would have ended up differently. For one, your attitude continued after I spoke my peace. Secondly after I spoke it was in vain because clearly you wasn't listening to my explanation, and my justification for hanging up (when i clearly said in my entry was  my wrong doing) is that you was expecting an apology of sorts and i wasn't offering one because You still at  that point of time had not thought to even think of what my situation was. I have never spoke to you like you was a child, and not nearly the way you've spoke with me. There was only so many way i could say the same things in which you were not listening to anyway. There is only so many things i am willing to take on as "my" fault and sorry, you attitude is definitely not my issue. I'm not to blame this time.

 

- J

 

 

So citing the fact that we were both wrong and I was ready to talk about things, I sent him a message on aim last night. I told him that I was ready to talk about things if he though it would help. This was last night. I didn’t get a response last night so I figured he was either logged in from his phone or not at the computer. I also didn’t get response this morning even though I purposely left the computer on last night just encase he got the message late. Well I woke up this morning and there was no response. I am not particularly worried but it’s not like him not the respond and he is usually OK with talking about things. But that non response triggered something inside of me this morning. Something I was not expecting.

 

As I put on my pants this morning to head to work like any other day, my eyes started to well up and the rain just began to pour uncontrollably. The love that I have for him took over and I just began to cry. It think it was the realization that I may be losing him and as much as I would like to ignore it, it will not let me. With my permission or not, it will come, the rain that is. Almost a year and a half is not going to just let me go away. I don’t understand what happened this morning but it came from what I have no control over and it also proved that it will hit when and where it wants. Whether I say today or tomorrow that I don’t care about the situation or  I don’t love him I know it will never be true and I will not to be able to ignore my feeling about this. So, may it’s a sign that the grieving has begun.

 

- Growing Up Special K