Hmmm…it’s Saturday morning…I’ve just woken up and I’m waiting to release the gospel that was revealed to me this week. Sorry to sound so churchy, cuz I haven’t been to church in years but that’s what it feels like …a revelation…an epiphany of sorts…(I feel like that word is over used now).
I wanted to share what my boy told me this week which spurred a change in my attitude towards everything around me…I’ve been trying to stay away from the whole X topic but, I guess my friends are really concerned about me so they keep bringing it up. However, this week, my boy’s advice really put the whole situation in prospective for me. To tell you the truth I was thinking about it a lil' more than I would like to admit.
We all make mistakes but what really proves someone’s love for you is what they do after those mistakes. What is really making this break up, a break up is what’s going on now…or actually what’s not going on now.
I guess I should start from the beginning:
So my X joined a “special site” after we broke up (you know which site I’m talking about). I never saw his actual page, but apparently he deleted the account a few days after he created it…his reason for deletion as the site usually asks you why you are leaving, was; that he was not ready to move on and that he loved me and hoped that I could forgive him one of these days (not an exact quote)...so I saw this and I thought to myself…ok fine…you regret that we broke up but where is the action in your words…where is the heart-felt apology to the person you've wronged? Have you made things rigth with them. I understand that some people are shy, especially considering that I was unbelievable angry after everything went down, but when someone is truly sorry for their actions, they let go of themselves and do whatever it takes to prove that their actions are consistent with their words. As men we need to have courage to stand up to what we say.
(Disclaimer: he did "officially" apologize to me a few days after we broke up, but to be honest, in my sole opinion, the apology at the time felt very "cookie cutter". I didn't get the impression that he was feeling the pain I was feeling...not sure if was truly from his heart. I may be wrong about this and I understand that he has a competely different way of expressing himself but, that's jsut how I felt.)
For instance, I remember when I was in wrong in the relationship...even though it took me a min. to come around.I did everything in my power to make amends…I humbled myself and submitted to whatever he wanted…because in relationship you have to be selfless…as a matter of fact, I put myself out there and went up to his school, walked around the parking lot for an hour looking for his car…risking looking like some sort or rapist…with flowers in hand, to get on my knees and apologize. I was willing to do what I needed to do in order to show him that I was serious and I was going to do what it took to prove that. And guess what, because I swallowed my pride and put myself last, I got him back.
But the reality is...he has not done that…it’s really not a matter of whether he thinks he’ll get me back or not..it’s a matter of trying: it’s trying to fix what you’ve mad wrong, that, I haven’t seen…I’m not going to sit here and express how hurt I was from what happened. I'm in no way asking or for that matter of fact, demanding that he feel bad about this. I'm one for honesty, people should act how they truly feel. He has NO obligation to me and neither do I want him to. But what’s happening now is giving me the message that maybe he isn’t willing to be selfless.
When we do wrong, we as good people should make this wrong right…if not for the relationship but for our own well-being and as matter because we care about the person.
From what little he has mentioned since the break up, apparently he thinks that he can’t interact with me because it will be to hurtful. I understand the basis of this, but interacting with me would by no meansbe easy considering what we had...there's no doubt about that. But when you are wrong…you take whatever you can get and you hope the person comes around. Without the ability to put the relationship before yourself…ultimately it is going to fail.
This entry is not to bash anyone. It’s only based on advice that my friends who have been in relationships lasting many years have given me. In the event that he reads this, I am by no means attempting to attack him. I have no need to attack anyone and believe he has every rigth to be do as he pleases. So I'm hoping that it is not read in the wrong way.
I am willing to accept the fact that nothing may come out of this two year relationship…but I’ll be able to remain secure in the fact that I did everything right to make our ending as painless as possible.
The the entire point of this entry can be summed up in the following quote:
TRUE LOVE FIGHTS FOR WHAT THEY WANT NO MATTER THE ODDS OF THE BATTLE…
A Greatful and Grown Up Special K....
