To Fly to be Depressed/ Air Humping the New Trend?

The mistake i made is clear
we never shoulda been together
Thats the reason you're not here
I know that I can do much better
Not a single salty tear
Not a feeling in my chest
Baby im feeling no stress
Im too [damn] fly to be depressed...

(have fun figuring out the author)

We'll for those of you who know me..the poem above would make sense....if not...maybe you're not suppose to know....lol..Well anyways, my friend sent me this video to cheer me up..hopefully it makes your day brighter..I'm thinking about doing my own version with my roommate...lol..support needed..

Sex and (in) the City...

I found this article in The New York Times while doing some research for a paper...was pretty facinating...it gives a really modern take on homosexuality and gay marriage...promise you wont be disappointed.

May 6, 2007
Modern Love
An Ancient Coda to My 21st-Century Divorce
By CINDY CHUPACK

I WAS finally getting married. That’s what I kept telling people. I didn’t say I was finally getting married “again,” because bringing up a first marriage during the planning of a second is a major buzz kill for everyone involved.

It reminds the bride and groom, at a time when their biggest worry should be butter cream versus spun sugar, that love does not always conquer all. And I didn’t want to hang that cloud over my fiancé, Ian, because this was his first wedding (another term I didn’t like, because it implied he may have a second). So we tried not to talk about first or second anythings until our meeting with the rabbi.

Ian called our rabbi “the hot rabbi” because she was young and hip and, well, hot. I didn’t mind his calling her hot. In fact, I found it reassuring, because it was yet another indication that Ian was not gay. Above all, I wanted to avoid publicly declaring my love for someone only to have him later realize he’s gay. Again.

Yes, O.K., so that’s what happened the first time, and that’s what I told the hot rabbi when she asked if either of us had been married before.

She blinked, and nodded — appropriately unfazed. Then she asked, “Was he Jewish?”

This seemed like a moot point to me, but I told her yes, he was.

I remember how happy my parents were that I was marrying a Jewish doctor. It was like winning the Jewish lottery, until he turned out to be gay. After that, my parents cared less about my boyfriend’s religion than his ability to name at least three pro ballplayers.

Therefore it was nice, but not essential, that Ian was Jewish. Ian was a bad-boy motorcycle-riding tattooed lawyer/poet/chef who proposed to me on a beach at sunset riding a white horse and dressed as a knight. The fact that he was Jewish was among the least remarkable things about him.

Among the most remarkable things about him was that after hearing my story, he remained straight.

During the divorce process I was toying with stand-up comedy, and my friend and fellow comic Rob had been endlessly fascinated by my story, asking: “What were the signs? How did he tell you?”

A year later, Rob came out, forcing me to see, in retrospect, that for him the hero of my story was my husband.

At a Hollywood party, I told my story to a cute guy I thought was flirting with me only to learn that he already was married. To a man. He explained that he had never even dated men until he met his husband while traveling abroad. Then I told that story to my friend who was the host of the party, and he confessed that he was bisexual, which he said was often difficult for potential partners to comprehend. For example, he asked, how would I feel about dating him?

When I realized his question was not rhetorical, I blushed and declined. Then I told that story to a male friend I knew to be straight, and he also confessed he was thinking of dating men, but after coming out to his stunned parents and trying a couple of gay relationships, he decided he was more interested in women, and he’s now married to a woman who had previously considered herself a lesbian.

My feeling, at this point, when everyone’s sexuality seemed to be in flux, was simply: Pick a side! I’m fine with it all! Just declare a major!

Now, with the hot rabbi, I was thinking what a relief it was that I could finally tell my story without outing anybody when she announced that I should “get a get.”

A what?

A get, she explained, is a Jewish divorce certificate, and although Ian and I did not technically need one to marry, without it, under Jewish law, our children would basically be considered illegitimate. She also thought the process could be good closure.

To me it sounded like the opposite of closure. It would require reopening the lines of communication that my ex-husband and I had finally shut down after years of trying to prove we were friends.

We were friends. We wished each other well. It was just easier, I thought, to wish each other well from afar.

Also, we’d already had a version of closure. When his parents were having trouble accepting that he was gay, they cut him off financially. He was still in medical school and strapped for cash, and the one thing he really wanted was to buy a house. So I helped him with the down payment by giving back the extravagant emerald-cut engagement ring that he, out of guilt, had told me to keep. I had stored it in a safe deposit box, not wanting to wear it, not ready to sell or reset it.

I would occasionally visit my ring, visit my old married self, but even with nobody present, I was aware how pathetic I looked sitting in a bank cubicle modeling my engagement ring. So when I had the opportunity to return it, I jumped at the chance. I said, “With this ring, will you not marry me?” And we had a little moment, and he bought his house, and that was that. Until now.

When I called my ex-husband in Los Angeles, he was surprised to hear from me, happy that I was marrying, and a little dubious about what I was asking him to do. I assured him I would fly in from New York, pay the fee and do all the homework; his only responsibility would be to show up. When he suggested we have a post-get get-together so I could meet his children, I started to think this may be good closure after all.

Our awkward reunion took place outside an industrial building that served as an office for the Orthodox rabbi whose name I found through an organization that facilitates gets. We made small talk while I pressed the buzzer (“You look good.” “You too.” “How are your parents?”) until it became clear that nobody was responding to the buzzing. We called the rabbi’s home number, he answered, and that’s when we learned there was confusion about the time and we would have to reschedule. When we explained that it had taken us over 10 years to make this appointment, the rabbi said he would try to find two witnesses.

THAT’S how it came to pass that we had an hour to kill, and my ex-husband said his partner and children were nearby shopping, so maybe we should have our get-together now.

It’s not often a girl has the chance to have lunch with the man she thought she would have children with and the man he had them with, but the truth is, they were a pretty perfect family without me. I had met my ex-husband’s partner at a Christmas party years earlier and liked him immediately. He was handsome, smart, kind and funny, and whether it was accurate or not, I found it flattering to imagine that he was the male version of me. Now they’d adopted two beautiful boys. As I watched my ex-husband juggle juice boxes and crayons and children’s menus, he smiled and warned: “Get ready.”

When we all arrived at the rabbi’s office, he explained the process might take an hour, so my ex-husband told his family he would call them when we were done.

The rabbi was old, and his two male witnesses were even older. They sat on one side of a table and we sat on the other, and we watched in respectful silence as the rabbi slowly wrote our divorce document by hand, with pen and ink, in Hebrew.

WHEN my ex-husband left to feed the meter, the rabbi fixed me with a stare and asked the question that clearly had been bothering him since we arrived: “Who was that other man who came with you?”

Since I wasn’t sure of the official Orthodox stance on homosexuality, I said it was my ex-husband’s friend.

“And whose children were those?”

I didn’t like where this was going. I asked if this would affect the get process. He said it would not, so I admitted that my ex-husband was gay, and the other man was his partner, and those were their children.

The two ancient witnesses looked at each other. And then the rabbi said flatly, “I think that’s sick.”

“It’s not sick,” I said. “They’re very happy.”

In an unoriginal attempt at a joke, the rabbi said, “Which one is the man?”

“They’re both men,” I said. “They’re both very good men.”

When my ex-husband came back into the room, I felt ill. I had flown cross-country and paid $500 in cash so three old holy men could sit in judgment of him. And the irony was, he was the practicing Jew, not I.

I was fuming, wondering if we should forget the get and get out while the getting was good, when we were informed that our document was complete. We were asked to stand and face each other. And then my ex-husband was asked to look into my eyes and repeat some phrases that meant basically, “With this document, I release you.”

As we stood there, just as we had on our wedding day, he looked even more handsome. And grown-up. And happy. And I thought about why he had married me in the first place. Yes, he loved me, but also, he was probably afraid he would never be able to have a family if he didn’t marry a woman.

Now he had that family without having to compromise who he was. And I thought about what he gave me all of those years ago when he unofficially released me. As much as I hated the heartbreak and longing, my newly single life became the basis of my writing career, which led me to a job as a writer and producer on “Sex and the City,” which led me to New York, which led me to Ian.

And then I thought about how this ridiculous judgmental tribunal is what my ex-husband faces every day, often when he least expects it, and how hard it must have been for him to overcome that judgment in order to be honest with me and himself. So as he dropped the get into my open palms, which made it legally binding, I felt proud of him, and proud of us, for releasing each other to our proper destinies.

“I’m happy you’re getting married,” he said. “Now I can finally stop feeling guilty.”

I told him he had no reason to feel guilty. But he said he couldn’t help it. Some things, I guess, we’re just born with.

Cindy Chupack is the author of “The Between Boyfriends Book.” This essay is adapted from the anthology “Girls Who Like Boys Who Like Boys,” to be published this month by Dutton.

This is dedicated to my Ex.....The more unattractive one...

Ever wonder why after so many years you’re still not over me
Ever wonder why after so many break ups you’re still not the one for me
Ever wonder why I’ll never look your way,
Ever wonder why my friends actually stay,
Ever wonder why I never struggled on one push up and your still trying so hard to loose your gut,
Ever wonder why I came from nothing but everything you ever have seems to crumble because your always fussing,
Ever wonder why I’ll be working on my Ph.D while you’re still trying figure out the requirements for your degree
Ever wonder why you’re still running back to Jersey (are you sure it’s not because you wanna be with me?)
Ever wonder why you seemed to be so on edge esp. when you were a pledge
Ever wonder why you can’t look me in the eye
Maybe it’s because you’ll probably cry
Ever wonder why all the boys think that I’m so fly and when they look at you they give a fuckin’ sigh…
Anyways man why all the hostility,
Maybe it’s because you wish you looked like me
Nigga you’re such a fuckin’ fool,
No wonder it’s been a while since a guy would actually let you plough your tool,
Ever wonder why its so important to you to hurt me,
But the harder you try it just builds up my immunity,
So this is what I’m saying Sir please give this up
The past is over, it’s said and done,
the conversations were fine,
but the sex was far from
I’ve gone on with my life and so should you, if you can’t accept that then go get you a Shrink boo
I’m tired of this shit I’m a grown man now…
You act like a little boy who’s only thing he knows how to do is bow
So sit behind your desk and convince yourself that you can actually keep your job
It’s usually a matter of time before you get cut for being such a slob
I can’t believe I’m writing this shit..I mean it was fun for me
I guess you’ll just hang around like all the other groupies
It’s so sad..everytime I think of you I simply feel this burning urge to pee
You’re such a bitch-ass nigga…maybe that’s why you act like a fucking flaming Christmas tree
I am just happy in the fact that you’ll never be with me
I’m the best looking nigga you ever had,
That shyt is the truth,
Yeah its real hardcore
So go fuck off you dirty whore…

Goodnight baby....I **** U

Goodnight baby...I **** u...

I thougt of you today...
You controlled me today...
you owned my heart today...
you planted..your thoughts..you mind..your face in my heart today...
you meant everything to me today
you held my hand today..
You held me today...
you gave your heart to me today...
you covered my heart today..
you made my cry today...
you owned my soul today..
you mad me weak today..
you became everything today...
you made me a man today..
you covered me today...
I needed you today...

Goodnight baby..I LOVE U

Do I have to Tell a Nigga How to be a Nigga - Part One

Do I have to tell a nigga how to touch me?
Do I have to tell a nigga how to hold me?
Do I have to tell a nigga when to call me?
Do I have to tell a nigga I'm lonely?
Do I have to feel wrong,
when it ain't strong?
keep my mouth closed?
Can't a nigga from the hood find a homie,
that ain't just tryna hang around me?
Do I have to show a nigga I'm a nigga?
Do I have to apologize for my emotions?
Do I have to tell a nigga what to say to me,
every time he wanna get next to me?
(have fun trying to figure out who the singer is)


This blog entry has been along time in coming but its about time that I write it. Over the year's I've developed unique definition of what man should be. From obvious experience alot of men have a particular problem understanding what ids required of them as men (I'm not just referring to gay men). Today imma take the time to skool 'em.

The funny thing is you should have to tell a nigga how to be a nigger (hope no one is offended by the language) because being a nigga should be innate. Over the past few years I've been approached my so many men all interested in getting a piece of my cherry pie (that has to he be most cunt thing I ever said)..lol..but for real...the dudes on bgc, adam and many other sites have a tendency to ask for a man but not offer a man in return....alot of these "men" are still learning the ropes. Everyone knows the question that usually gets asked somewhere along the line. So what are you looking for? Imma put this out there now that i started back dating and imma state it once and for all so peeps don't have to ask me again.

I'm looking for man, not necessarily a nigga. A real man....not a slightly feminine, I got a log between my legs dude...trying to fit in with the crowd...who are really little weak teenagers who refuse to accept the responsibilities of manhood. Alot of men lack these qualities even the masculine ones. They don't know what it is to be a real man. A real man takes initiative and goes out and gets what he wants. He pursues something until he realises he can't have it. Rejection doesn't make him less of a man, it makes respect the fact that he had the courage to do it.

In a male-male relationship men have to realise that they still have an obligation to exist as men and not half-step things as though they are a female. A gay relationship is nothing more than a deep friendship between two men that want to take things to the next level. To many times men (I use the word men sparingly) use homosexual relationships as a subconscious excuse to relieve themselves of their natural responsibilities. To be frank we use it to act like girls. This defeats the purpose since the point of dating men is do to DATE MEN.

Many gay men are in the midst of gender identity crisis and don't even know it. They think that they are suppose to be courted and sweat off there feet by some dude..NOOOOOO..that not going to happen..a real dude takes the initiative and a real man gives an equal and honest response. That's basic communication. Too many times I hear "So when you gonna take me out?" or "When am I going to see you?"..pointers: when you you see someone you should set up the date not ask them to set it up. Isn't that Commons sense? Correct me if I'm wrong. Setting it up shows hat you have some type of confidence in yourself. Even if the dude is not feeling you like that he will respect you and possibly give you chance and points for being a man. I don't want to keep this too long but there is alot I wanna talk to brothers about. We have gotten to the point where manliness is not manliness any more. Men refer themselves as females, they use female words to describe their body parts and worst of all refer to themselves as either a "husband" or "wife" in a relationship. I mean REALLY people? Is this what's going on today. Don't get me wrong. A dude can be feminine and still be a man. Manliness is defined by strength or mind, character and independence not by how discreet you are in a crowd of straight men. Wake up smell the testosterone!!!

LOOK OUT FOR PART 2

Battle of the Youtube Ciaras - Who won?

Season of Friendship

Wow..2007 is actually turning out to be a pretty good year as expected..I mean even in January such great things are happening already. I mean even today on Sunday Jan. 28th three important people have shown their significance in my life. I'll present the 2 scenarios and go into a bit of detail about my definition friendship which has developed to be extremely unique during the past years.


Names and places have been changed to protect the privacy of each individual:


Scenario 1:

I was chillin with one of my frat. brothers today. We normally hang out a lot and I been putting him on a steady gym routine because he's trynna get right. I also helped him get an extra job on campus. So over a short period of time we've become good friends the funny thing is I never really noticed until he said something today.

So he's joking around with me on some other shyt so I'm finally like nah, step back you on probation. Seeing that I'm a lil mad he says "aww... you want a hung?" I'm like "don't touch me!!!", so he gets the idea and now he feels in lil bad. So he says "aww, you know you my best friend" am I'm like "nah you on the 10-step program now" (which means you probably gonna have to work hard to regain my friendship). Well he is currently still on that 10 step program so I'll see how he does this week. But about a lil while later I thought about it. That was a really nice thing for him to say, I really didn't think I was that important to him..t shows that we may mean much more to people than people think. He talks about me all the time to his family and girlfriend and we also have been hanging out a lot. It felt good to know that he appreciated my friendship so much.

Scenario 3:

Buddy 3: I wanted you to know this. I had this dream I died and you were in it. I really appreciate you being my friend.
Buddy 3: Just want you to know that.
Dwight Lara: oh i felt that
Dwight Lara: aww...i feel SO special
Buddy 3: I really do. I know I say this but I really thought about it and you mean sooooooo much to me.
Buddy 3: Even when you get me a lil mad
Dwight Lara: lol
Dwight Lara: that's kool
Dwight Lara: I'm glad to know that
Buddy 3: My dream was that I died and I never got to say the things I always wanted to say
Buddy 3: to you
Buddy 3: and what not
Buddy 3: The funny thing you were the only one in my dream
Buddy 3: No one else
Dwight Lara: damn
Dwight Lara: that's crazy
Buddy 3: Isn't it.
Buddy 3: It was just so weird. I woke thinking what the hell. I think I've told you pretty much all that I needed to tell you.
Dwight Lara: lol

All of this is significant to me because 2.5 years ago when I just moved to the NYC area, I had no friends. Now exactly what I wanted has been granted to me. Its good to know that so many years of picking and choosing buddies has paid off. The thing is I would do just as much and even more for my friends than they do for me. Most of them don't know how valuable they. I always wanted best friends, now I have several of them. Its a shame they may never really know what my love for them means.


A very happy Special K