The Calm Within........

Last night, I had enough. I had enough because, I wanted to him to make a real decision. I want him to confront what he feared to a certain extent. I wanted him to decide on the fate of our future, whether friendship or otherwise. And he did. And a certain sense of pride and happiness in me tells me that I am free. I am free of giving what I didn't have. I'm free of personally sacrificing and giving in the relationship. Because God knows, that I gave a lot, my friends know that I gave my all and that was all I had to give. So be happy for me because today, I'm free and it marks a new beginning where I can allow someone else to have the opportunity to love me.

A Very Free Special K
(-:

Can't Stand the Rain......

I guess you guys seem to get an update only in bad times but, better an update at this time than no update at all right?

 

Well I don’t want to go into details because I feel like the story has been told before so I don’t want to repeat myself or my argument. But I will give a synopsis of what has occurred.

 

A week and half ago, my boy and me had another argument, not to belittle it but, its happened before and obviously things haven’t been as easy to fix as we would have liked it to have been.

 

The time factor has been having its toll on our relationship and we were really beginning to see the impact as the level of motivation in our relationship was dwindling. When we came to this conclusion, we decided to make a conscious effort to make communication a bit more consistent. Since this seemed to be the source of our distance mentally. In my opinion, things were getting better (over a period of months). I may not always say it but I do think his communication habits were getting better over time and I was a getting gradually happier. I would like to say I have been getting better at being more patient (at least in my opinion) and more understanding of his situation. While things weren’t completely perfect, we weren’t at each others throats and at least in my opinion there was more good than bad.

 

So last week happens, I don’t hear anything from him, for two days and I decide to call. Now it is very difficult for me to remain calm when I don’t here from him. Particularly, if I have made an attempt to contact him, (which I did), I tend to get agitated and sound rude over the phone. This usually steams from frustration that he made no attempt to contact me (no text, no missed call). Regardless of the circumstances, my attitude was also exacerbated because I left him voicemail, explaining that I had finally gone permanent at my job (6 moths in the making) and I was so excited at the time that I called in him in the middle of the day from work. I didn’t care that he didn’t answer because he was in class. I don’t even care that he never listened to the voicemail as I found out later on.

 

So I remained patient and waited. I waited for 2 days and then decided to call. So he answers the phone, and it is clear that I am not pleased with the situation. Now I will admit that I had trouble keeping my complete composure (that’s my part of the problem), and he could clearly hear the anger in my voice. Now, there are two things you can do when one person in a relationship is angry. You can also get mad and cause a fight or you can choose to be the calm one and work on the issue and explain your side of the situation.

 

Now in the beginning he tried to explain that he had fallen asleep after the gym the night before. Now I didn’t show any sympathy towards this because we had decided that he would call before he went to the gym since once he gets back, I’m in bed because I have work the next morning. Usually once he does that I don’t have any issues because he at least attempted and sometimes that all that matters and I know time is tight for both of us. He then proceeds to tell me that the next day he had an early shift at work and once he got off of work he went to pick up his best friend and they chilled at his place where they cooked and relaxed for a while. So midnight roles around, no attempt from him to contact me. I always go to sleep at midnight so I decided to call him to see why he didn’t call or text before then.

 

So, basically he gets frustrated after he explains what happened and I don’t seem completely pleased. It’s not that I was not sympathetic to what he was going through but I feel as though he should have simply apologized and tried to do things differently next time. Instead he decided to hang up the phone on me. Well to make this long story shorter, we ended up not talking for a week and a half which made the situation worse. I decided to basically ignore it. He didn’t call or text and I didn’t feel like I was obliged to because he hung up on me.

 

Jumping a week and a half into the future, I read his blog, as I was getting ready to write a break up letter. It turns out he had dropped off his key for my apartment the day before and I didn’t realize it with the growing mold of clothing and paper that is growing on everything in my bedroom. To tell you the truth, I didn’t communicate with him, not because I was being pride full of petty , but because I felt like he disrespected me and I needed to think about respecting myself first in that situation. So on his blog, he explained that he was not happy with the fact that I did not apologize to him.

 

Now I have no problem with apologizing if I did something wrong and it is my understanding that there was something I did wrong according to him. So for that I am sorry. But I feel as though two sides exist to this argument and it is time for us to do what we should have done that night, which was talk about it and learn how to deal with the situation better. Below is our correspondence that will explain our situations better than I can at this time.

 

From Me:

 

 

On Nov 1, 2008, at 12:06 PM, Special K wrote:

 

 

Maybe I should have written this earlier.

 

I just read your blog entry..the funny thing is I haven't been on there in months but the day I decide to go on...it just so happens that you decide to return from your hiatus. First off, I'll like to say this, although alot of anger is being held in my heart because I have chosen not to talk about this with my anyone (including best friends, not even Karim knows). I will try my best not to let it out in this.

 

First off, I didn't call because you hung up on me, you disrespected me when I did not disrespect you, you also hung up after I allowed you to say your piece; when I started talking about my side of things, after I allowed you to say yours. Put yourself in my situation, I'm 22 years old and I'm being hung up on (also in front of Britney) by someone who is suppose to be my equal. I am just as much a man as you are and I've never hung up on you (even when I'm mad I listen to what you have to say whether I agree at the time or not). Its obvious that both of us think that we are write in this situation, that one of us owes the other an apology. Believe it or not its more than "sorry Ian( or sorry Jimil)" for me. It's understanidng that you disrespected me (or I disrepected you) and you did not treat me as your equal. For whatever I am wrong for I don't exactly understand, (and that's not pride) so at this time I can not apologise becuase of lack of understanding. I'm not saying that I am not wrong, I just don't understand what I did wrong in this situation (how can I apologise when you spoke to me like a child an hung up on me?). I will say one thing though...its a quote I found online that expresses how I feel.

 

"If you want to be respected by others the great thing is to respect yourself. Only by that, only by self-respect will you compel others to respect you."

 

This is how I feel, this goes for any friendship or relationship. I will respect myself before anyone/anything else. That translates into, if I  am disrespected I will not continue to encourage disrespect by not showing that person that I will not accept that. If I acted like everything was fine it would have been saying that "this is the best way to deal with issues" and that it is acceptable to treat other like subordinate/children when mad.  My thoughts are not based on pride, its not childish and its not selfish.

 

In the end, I feel this way, circumstances are difficult for you (period) but it doesn't give u the right to ignore me, if you had swallowed your pride and called me back before things got dragged out, our differences would have ended there that night. I know your life and I am mindful of it, sometimes it would not hurt to take serious interest in mine. To ignore me and expect me to demean myself by crawling back to you to apologize for something which I still can't figure out is reprehensible.

 

 

Maybe in the future I will see my wrong in this (and I'm willing to) but you need to see yours as well.

 

- Me

 

His Response:

 

Its funny, because its almost as if you're blaming this on me when clearly you called me with your attitude and spoke to me like i was your child. Lets agree on one thing before i continue to go about my day and you with yours: had you approached me differently, things would have ended up differently. For one, your attitude continued after I spoke my peace. Secondly after I spoke it was in vain because clearly you wasn't listening to my explanation, and my justification for hanging up (when i clearly said in my entry was  my wrong doing) is that you was expecting an apology of sorts and i wasn't offering one because You still at  that point of time had not thought to even think of what my situation was. I have never spoke to you like you was a child, and not nearly the way you've spoke with me. There was only so many way i could say the same things in which you were not listening to anyway. There is only so many things i am willing to take on as "my" fault and sorry, you attitude is definitely not my issue. I'm not to blame this time.

 

- J

 

 

So citing the fact that we were both wrong and I was ready to talk about things, I sent him a message on aim last night. I told him that I was ready to talk about things if he though it would help. This was last night. I didn’t get a response last night so I figured he was either logged in from his phone or not at the computer. I also didn’t get response this morning even though I purposely left the computer on last night just encase he got the message late. Well I woke up this morning and there was no response. I am not particularly worried but it’s not like him not the respond and he is usually OK with talking about things. But that non response triggered something inside of me this morning. Something I was not expecting.

 

As I put on my pants this morning to head to work like any other day, my eyes started to well up and the rain just began to pour uncontrollably. The love that I have for him took over and I just began to cry. It think it was the realization that I may be losing him and as much as I would like to ignore it, it will not let me. With my permission or not, it will come, the rain that is. Almost a year and a half is not going to just let me go away. I don’t understand what happened this morning but it came from what I have no control over and it also proved that it will hit when and where it wants. Whether I say today or tomorrow that I don’t care about the situation or  I don’t love him I know it will never be true and I will not to be able to ignore my feeling about this. So, may it’s a sign that the grieving has begun.

 

- Growing Up Special K

 

 

 

 

GRATEFUL!!!

This week has been a total turn around from all previous weeks this summer. I spent the entire summer working and trying to find a new job and this have been coming but slow in doing so. So I guess this as best as a reintroduction as any seeing that I haven't mentioned anything about my life on a public forum since my graduation and subsequent break up with my first LTR. Now things have really developed since walking across that stage and shaking the Prez. hand in pouring rain and socked cap and gown. The apartment is coming along and I have furniture and a new flat screen TV. Now i look at the summer in retrospect it was quite productive and to an extent, meaningful. I am going to try to give an update in a concise but fulfilling way.

First things first, me and homeboy got back together a few weeks after the break up and lets just say I think he's getting closer to becoming a man. Things can be rocky at times but what I need for him is growth and I see it happening slowly otherwise I would not be with him right now.

As far as jobs, this summer has seen a dry spell in interview opts and job offers. I pretty had given up in late November. All that changed this week. This week I landed about 3 interviews and another potential (which I will turn down). The opportunities were from Allstate (I interviewed last Friday, but didn't get the position, which is ok because I think I would have turned it down if I was offered), Morelli Ratner, P.C. (a law firm), Record-Access (a legal support company), and a potential interview from StateFarm. Morelli Ratner is the one I REALLY want. I would be doing the same thing I do right now except for more money and with benefits. The firm's location is GREAT, its in midtown Manhattan and about 30-35 mins from my home (via the E-train). The firm is smaller but I will take a smaller firm if it comes with a bigger salary lol. Record-Access is support company. I believe the supply medical records and to firms and possibly management of case files and so on. The say that there salary is "competitive" so I will run with that and see if they can keep their word. I also got a call from Statefarm for an underwriting position, however, the salary was too low and they wanted me to move back to Jersey (Are you nuts? I just got out of that hell hole- NO OFFENSE). So that a no-no. I am not counting my eggs before the hatch though. I may get turned down for both jobs. But I will do my best to land them both.

Second miracle this week. I GOT GOOD CREDIT Y'ALL!!!!!. I finally got around to checking my credit this week after months being afraid to. I was convinced I had bad credit because I never got a credit limit increase on my one credit card. Even though I paid my bills on time I figured that prolly realised I was a minority and decided keep me down, lol. Well I was wrong apparently they ain't realised that "Ian Thomas" is black as yet..lol. So imma run with that too...lol. I intend to keep my shyt tight though, no spending sprees for me. RESPONSIBLY IS KEY!

Third miracle this week. MY FINANCIAL AID WENT THROUGH!!!. Now I some form of financial aid from good ole Trini. However, it does work like financial aid in the US. They usually give you the money afterward. But I figured since I graduated that they weren't going to bother with me anymore. I really have to thank my mother for this. SHE IS THE ONE THAT TOOK CARE OF EVERYTHING FRO ME AND KEPT ON THEIR ASS UNTIL THEY GIVE ME SOME MONEY. Considering that this is post financial Aid, I am really getting some extra cash which I will use to pay off for my degree and the rest will be invested.

Well that's the reintroduction. I have been away because I work from 9 to 8 everyday and spend like 3 hours traveling. So I'm exhausted by the time I get home.

P.S. MY B-DAY IS IN EXACTLY 2 WEEKS!!! (Sept. 20th). But however I think I've been given enough. I AM GRATEFUL!!!!

Hope my small but faithful following has not fallen off while I was trying to build-up this Renaissance man..lol. Life is god for now but I do expect further hardships. THANKS

It is Not Good For Man to Be Alone..

My place of refuge.

I am sitting here thinking about the future. About what the future holds for me. At this point it is uncertain, but while that remains the prevailing factor for most aspects of my life, it doesn't bother me as much for every aspect except this one: I'm single. At one point in time I wasn't. In that time I grew into this little place that said I didn't have to worry about this anymore, at least I had that part of my life down and that really meant a lot of relief for me. I didn't have to worry about the most critical thing in a person's life which is love. But now that element is lost and I have lost my security again. I have lost the pillar, the stable point of reference which I pretty much based everything on. The thing is it took so long to find in the first place. It's not the search that's the most trying part, but that fact that it may take forever, I can't rush into things, I can' t make decisions that will lead to unhappiness in the long run. I don't want the drama of the "break-up and make-up". I just want piece and stability. A reference point. Maybe it's this desire that drives my leniency towards relationships. The thing with me is that I wont just take anyone. Everyone can't satisfy my needs for intelligent conversation. Not everyone is nice, not everyone is calm and drama free. Not everyone is yet mature and not everyone is searching for, or willing to give what I'm offering. I don't want to be in relationship in which certain elements are lacking. It's doom to failure. I can't sit here and create what I want, it has to come naturally and with out forced effort. For me this may be a long time coming. A long time of loneliness. Being alone now means even more than it did when I was in college. Being alone in college meant I still have my friends/frat around. Now, being alone really means being alone. I don't want to sit in my apt and answer the four walls (though they maybe the nicest 750 dollar walls that I have ever seen, lol) for the rest of my life. I don't want to be unhappy and I don't want to share my life with myself. I want the company of someone else and a relationship and all that goes along with it. It's the simple things at this point in time that count. For me that simple thing is sharing my life and growing with someone else. This has and will make me happy, at least I know that much.

Like the bible says, It is not good for the man to be alone.... (that's why he made other men)

In truth & in love,

A sincere Special K

My Staff and My Rock

Now, in life we need certain people to help us go on. When I first came to this country...I didn't have any friends and didn't know anyone...I had no shoulder to lean on...no one to listen to my problems, because of that I depended on potential relationships and at one point in time my first b/f. That had a big impact on me when the relationship was over. I was distraught because I was losing a good friend and lover, and what the break up meant was complete lonliness for me. Things got so bad that I went to see a psychologist more than once to manage the pain. I was severely depressed and would find myself crying uncontrollably in the middle of class and I'd have to put my head down to avoid anyone seeing. I also didn't eat for 2 weeks, I felt I was screaming on the inside and questioned my self, my life and what was; who I was. I felt insecure because I had done something that wasn't me, something that just didn't make sense.

But since then things have changed. Over time I have grown into serious relationships with two invaluable people in my life: Karim and Alex. I now have my rock and my staff. This posts comes at a time when they have secured me to the ground when irremovable things like gravity seem to be escaping me. My two best friends who have proven their sincerity and care for me beyond a doubt. They have been my guidance in times of darkness. Right now the light has gone and I can't find my way. A time when trust has been lost and I'm looking for that icon in life which will represent stability and security. It's funny when you feel comforatble telling another guy "I love you" when there are no romantic feelings involved; it's genuine and heartfelt. It isa  pure understand between to people (two brothers) that have developed to rival the bonds on family. They have supported me 100% through out my previously relationship and have reassured me when control seemed to escape me; times when I have no idea what to do and I felt weak. They vicariously go through what I go through, and I go through what they go through. It's a bond; a deep brotherhood. They are my rock and my staff. 

I see different elements of myself in both of them. In Karim I see my heart, my hopelessly romantic nature, a dedication to love and principle, I see his purity and I see myself. We both have high standards which other people may never understand. We share very similar feelings about love and relationships--both of us being extremley relationship oriented. Karim and I are not citizens and sometimes relating to people on that level has been tough because they will never understand my drive and ambition and what it is to be disappointed. But I understood his struggle and he understood mine. It's  a stuggle for life and freedom. This is the guy that calls me from France at least once a week just ask me how my relationship is going and if I'm ok. This person means the world to me and he might as well be my brother. 

Now Alex, is the most caring person I've probably ever met. Dependable, trustworthy  and determined to please everyone (well people that he likes anyway). I see myself in him in his masculinity and frank way we think about things at times. He helps me see what I can't see when my mind is clouded; he is my reason. He really appeals to my masculine nature the most. When I chill with him or talk to him I feel like I'm talking to one of my frat brothers but with him I don't have to hide who I am. If I cried a little, he wouldn't think less of me. But Alex has an underlying nature that is unparalleled by anyone else I've ever met. The funny thing is he's never been in a real relationship before but, for him I'm sure that when it happens it will be real. It will be what he's been waiting for, for the past few year. He is so good natured it's ridiculous. He cares so much it's amazing. So Alex I love you like a brother. Be there for me and I'l always be there for you.

- A very Special K

- Next post will be about this new apt. 

So this is to my two best friends: my rock and my staff, Alex and Karim. I love you guys dearly. 

The Stroll

This entry I'm writing from a the Starbucks in Kew Gardens after a long walk from Forrest hills. So here goes, the important things that are going on in my life right now. The things that are overwelming me at the moment. Some times it's good just to let it out and not handle it anymore. To not deal with everything, and for a second cry on some one's shoulder even when that shoulder happens to be your own. I was walking along Queens Blvd. from Commerce Bank in Forrest Hills (Queens) to the Starbucks on the Union Turnpike stop near the E train stop. This neighborhood represents so much for me at this point in time. I just came back from Jamaica (Queens) where I bought my first piece of furniture ever. A cheap $200 mattress and box spring. At this point in time as I move into my new apartment, that's all I can afford after paying the $750 deposit and half months rent of $400. This bittersweet moment represents the beginning of a lifetime. The beginning of a man. This, only one day after graduation from Ramapo College of NJ during a washed out commencement ceremony. That Friday will go down in history as one of the most critical moments in my life. It was on this Friday that that my life began and ended at the same time. I'm now a man whether self proclaimed or thrown into it. Everything truly depends on me now. The move was the beginning however, I would now like to address the end.

So the moment of truth. As of yesterday my partner is now faced with a decision, a decision that is crucial to our relationship and any future we may have. Last night after a week of thought and investigation, I confronted my partner with some photos I found in his e-mail account. I had seen the photos a week before. At the time I felt a mixture of shock and heartbrokeness and as with anyone in that situation, the question of "why?" arises. See, these wont any old photos, they were nude photos exchanged between and two other guys. Not to mention the caption "4 your eyes only.." and the actually message which said "Dare, I haven't forgot bout you kid... trust that, you still on my mind....I will get in touch with you soon. btw... I hope these keep u busy until i get to you. (referring to the nude pics). Again it was something I was not expecting, but I had seen small signs beforehand which lead to me checking his e-mail. After viewing the photos and reading the e-mails I decided to really look at things before I made any judgements, further investigation would either confirm and debunk my suspicions. Surely enough H had been talking to this guy for some time now, at least a month and a half. Even then, over the week, I kept on prompting him to tell me the truth because in my book that makes a big difference. I rather you be man and tell me to my face than hide it to the point that you seem extremely shady. An entire week of probing, and only denials. So when I finally confronted him he was speechless and seemed very disturbed. I gave him chance to explain himself, his excuses were that 1) he was bored and 2) the guy had sent him questionable picks and he in turn sent him questionable pics. Those excuses make as much sense as fish flying and birds swimming. But I'm not hear to question any ones motives. That's the answer he gave me and that's what I'm sticking with. He said that the guy was just a friend and that he has no interest in the guy. As to the reason why they were communicating: he said that his best friends, who were apparently were so fond of me at one time were now encouraging him to cheat on me. Mind you I explained fully in the beginning of the relationship how i felt about cheating. There is so much I can write about what happened that night. But one thing is for sure, it really hurt...it really hurt. Everything that happened from him constantly lying, to me running out that night in the rain after him to get him to talk to me about what happened. Its hard to believe after 11 months of a relationship where he claims that he loves me with all his heart and that I am perfect for him, and not to mention I'm also his first love and longest relationship, pulls something like this. This incident has left us bitter and dry. It has taken our relationship to such challenging levels and complicated things so greatly. It just shouldn't have happened. It so amazing how one incident can crumble what we seemly value so dearly. 11 months gone because of the interference of someone else. To booth, every answer he gave me was sooo weak, so unbelievably weak. It goes to show that some people will never be satisfied in life. They have everything but they still keep the door open for more with out the consideration of others that have shown that they truly love them. Infidelity is one of the worse sins that anyone can commit. No one will ever understand unless they experience what I am feeling right now. See I've been on both sides, the cheater and now the cheated, the difference was I recognized my wrong because I had loved the person and I took the time to understand what they were going through. The hurt, the questions, the constantly increasing anger. Emotions which no man should ever have to feel. People really don't know what the consequences of their actions are, especially when those actions betrays the trust that has been built between people for such an entire year and longer if you really count how long we've been speaking to each other. So I decided to give him an ultimatum: a last test.

The ultimatum. After the emotions were over, I sat down and poured all my feeling whether anger-filled or otherwise, onto lengthy single spaced 2 and half page letter. I examined our friendship and the situation at hand. This is how I will know his sincerity: If he acknowledges the fact that what he did was completely wrong and that there is way that it can be justified and whether he is willing to make the changes I presented for our relationship, if its worth that much to him as he claims, he will. If he doesn't I'll know what I need to know about our relationship and that will answer alot of my questions. Here are the options (the Blue pill and Red pill and spoofs off of the firs matrix movie).
The Blue Pill – This is to remove me from your life, to end our relationship and look to other possibilities. This choice means that you are free to date, to send whatever you would like to whom ever you like. But both our friendship and relationship will be gone. You will have all your friends and satisfy what they have wanted for the past few months – me to be gone. Essentially, Freedom without Love.

The Red Pill – This decision is the harder one. In this decision you choose to stay with the understanding that you will remove everything that is questionable from your life. It means erasing numbers, screen names, e-mail address and blocking who ever is a threat to us. It means for me that I will never have to check you e-mail or phone (which I HATE doing). I will never have to worry about where you are or whom you are with. However, it also means that you will keep all elements of our relationship away from your “friends” who are trying so desperately to break us apart (why, I don’t know). You can keep your friends but there will be an understanding that I am not a subject for debate, they MUST respect our relationship. After all, what type of friend encourages you to be unfaithful which will ultimately lead you to being the exact same messed up position as that they are currently in. I am will refrain from judging them, but obviously they have already judged me. Thirdly, (optional), I should have access to your accounts, I don’t care what you do on these sites but you have shown that you can be unfaithful. I shouldn't’t have to check your stuff, you are not a kid nor do I want one. It’s only fair that you have all my passwords as well. If we so trust each other, then we should have no problem with sharing this type of information. This is about TRUST not about CONTROL.


Time of Truth, and the most important decision in your life, choose carefully

Singular or Plural

This posts is one that comes from "the deep inside." The deep insinde is a place that I don't let out very often, the place that is ephemeral, a place which is undefined but but exactly you. The palce that no one but only a few really understand. It's esoteric becuase it doesn't make sense, at least not to the larger public but it still exists; it is part of us that draws on us, when you least expect it and even when you don't want it.

This posts relates to what I've been experiencing through friends indirectly for the past few months. Now those feelings have something to draw on, where I can somewhat relate, but relate from the opposite prospective. I know this is probably going to be an over-the-top post but here goes. Singluar or Plural.

My struggle these days is exactly this; which is better, singular or plural? At one point in time I was part of the singlar, longing for the plural, but now I'm in plural wondering about the nature of the singular. I feel a bit uneasy, not clear in thought, but it crosses my mind ever so often.

Plain talk, my friends or best friend I should say always complains to me about being single. I have kind of lost my grounding on that subject because quiet frankly, I don't really remember what it was like and I find it hard to relate. I keep telling them that things aren't that bad, that things will get better and that being in that singular state is not the end of the world, but a means to a beginning. A means to start another story which may take some time but at the end of the day, if the novel is written correctly, it will be worth it. Not incomplete or hurried but a master piece that evokes all the senses. It will provoke the feelings that we want it to provoke. A feeling not rushed even though greatly desired. But at the same time, I feel extremely juvenile, like I'm not seeing the grand picture.

Well today,it crossed my mind...what is it like on the other side, is the grass greener in some ways? Is it better, would I be better off? Help me out here, what are the pros and the cons, the good and the bad, the benefits and the sacrifices.


Deep in, deep in thought,
Special K