OK…..I’m sorry for the nature of my last few blogs…they have been for the most part pretty depressing. I don’t know what’s going on but something’s not right with me. The Special K of a few months ago has become a very down and emotion ridden person. I haven’t been like this since January of 2006, a time when I had lost my job and I didn’t know how the hell I was gonna eat for the next 4 months. And considering it was of the beginning of the semester I had no way to buy books or travel if I needed to. The thing is I’m no stranger to difficult times, so I suck it up and dealt with it. But the events of the past few months have taken a toll on me. It’s not explainable because right now…I’m breaking down to proportions I really haven’t seen myself at in a long time.
The thing is, I’m success driven but for the past few months I’ve only seen failure. Maybe that’s just me seeing things like I’d like to see them but as discouraging as this sounds I’m sitting in my room today a lil sick but thinking about the future. I’m scared and tired, and worried. I didn’t do anything yesterday just laid in bed until 4:00pm. It’s not like me at all! I didn’t get up and cook even though I was starving, I didn’t have a taste for anything. So I asked my roommate to make me a sandwich. Thank God he did. I don’t know what’s going on but it’s not good. It seems that I will now be forfeiting a job that I worked extremely hard to get. After beating out 10 or so candidates I was one of 2 to be selected for an extremely high paying job. One that I needed and I got high recommendations for. There was also the possibility in the future or starting my own branch. But now I’m back to square one and the will and ability to regroup isn’t really there. I’m having selfish moment indeed. One of those “Mary” moments that no one else can really understand. I’m hoping I don’t hit depression but it seems to be going in that direction. In truth I wish to have my old confidant self back. I’m hurting deeply and I don’t know why. I haven’t seen this side of me in years.
So this time I’m not keeping my emotions out of my writing. I’m letting it go because; I’ve been keeping it to myself for far too long. It’s hitting me now but it’s been in my heart for a long time but never expressed. Sometimes when you push and push whatever is in front of you pushes back and I’m feeling the brunt of it now. But for real today it’s letting the truth out. It’s the truth because I don’t know what’s going on with me and I’m weak for once. I can’t always be strong. I can’t always hide my feelings. They are there but I hide them because, what else can I do. It’s not fair to burden others with your problems. I haven’t even really left my room for the past few days. Kind of scared to face what’s out there. It might seem like something simple but for me right now, I’m breaking down…I’m not the same Special k. I can’t control these feelings but I don’t how long how long it will before they go away.
3 comments:
The world is a big place and may seem overwhelming at many times! Hiding from the world isn't going to help your situation, however regrouping isn't a bad idea.
Gather you together and figure out what is what. Decide what you want and make a plan on how to get there. Unfortunately failure is a speed bump but you have to take it with ease and keep on moving!
Don't let life pass you by. Pick your own self out of that rut and get to it!!!
When you feel like there is no one to lean on, lean on your creator.
Young Man, get your arse out of that Blue Funk! There is no apparent reason for you to disconnect yourself from the world. Get up and get yourself together; you are far to intelligent and strong to allow a little setback mess you up, take charge and use your support system, yes we are here if you need us. Jobs come and go, relationships end and start again, friends and family are not always as loving as we would like, but life goes on. I would strongly suggest that you have your Special K today! I know that things will be better the moment you allow them to get better. Be strong and take good care of yourself.
Post a Comment